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Try Not To Need Them

 

 

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Once you feel like you need them you’ve already lost a little part of you.

Remember that confident independent young woman who used to stare back at you in the mirror, the one who would put red lipstick on before a night out and didn’t have to fake a brave face? You would head out, ready to pull the strings of the numerous men you had dangling from your fingertips, the ones who would do anything for you in the blink of an eye.

But now it’s different, because as soon as you felt like you needed someone other than yourself. You lost that part of you that felt indestructible.

He spent years making you feel like you could get anything you ever wanted from him, he wanted to be your everything and you were reluctant because you had your own life and you very much had your shit together. You didn’t want to need him the way he wanted you to.

But without you even realising, suddenly it happened, you didn’t want to be around anyone other than him. All of a sudden he had turned into your lover, your best friend, your family and everything in between. You pushed everyone else away because you believed him when he said he was going to be your whole world.

But being the whole world is a heavy job and he didn’t realise how much pressure that would put on him, so maybe he didn’t mean it, maybe getting you to push everyone away except him wasn’t intentional. Maybe when he walked away and left you with nothing, he didn’t mean it.

Needing him in the way you did, meant that when he finally walked away from everything he had promised you, you didn’t even know who you were anymore. You would look in the mirror and not even recognise yourself  because he wasn’t there and without him, what were you? Having someone there who has given you everything, means that when they decide to walk away they leave you with nothing.

After an experience like that, it’s no wonder you find it so hard to trust people. It’s no wonder you have to fake that brave face when it comes to love and trust.

When someone walks into your life when you least expect it and promises you that they’ll never leave because they are there to be your everything, why wouldn’t you believe them? When it takes them what seems like forever to win you round and make you feel like theres no one else in the world who can give you what they do, why would you even waste a second thinking they could be lying?

Having someone walk out on you after promising you all that, leaves you feeling empty and constantly questioning what you did wrong. How did you push away the person who wanted to be everything for you?

But the reality is, it was never your fault. They were always going to leave once you needed them in the way they wanted you to, because they never stopped to consider the pressure that’s created by someone relying on one person for every ounce of happiness they need in life. Convincing someone that they don’t need a life outside of the relationship you’ve created is a dangerous game, but some people enjoy playing with fire.

They wouldn’t have considered how reliant on them you would become once you believed you couldn’t be happy unless you were experiencing everything with them. Being someone’s everything seems ideal, until you actually are.

Two people wanting to be wanted by each other so much at different times only results in confusion and undeniable pressure. A strain that no one can withstand.

So the two of you break.

But you break more because you’re the one that’s lost everything. Who are you now without him? And that’s the problem …. you don’t even know who you are by yourself anymore. So to you, it feels more than just a break up, it feels like your whole life has shattered and disappeared.

You’ll spend years trying to figure out how to be you again once they leave, but you’ll never go back to who you were before. Because that version of you was too quick to believe that people stay forever.

You never stopped to consider the person you pictured yourself marrying would leave and destroy everything behind them that you built together.

He promised he was never going anywhere, even when you argued, he said he was never going to leave. Why would he, when he told you over and over again that the only person you’ll ever need is him. Even when you’re mad at your family, even when your friends let you down, he would be there.

And although the whole experience of needing someone has left you with scars, its taught you an invaluable lesson: love is about being two separate people. Love doesn’t mean turning into one person that’s a morphed version of the two of you. The more you need them, the less you are of yourself and thats who they fell in love with in the first place, they never wanted a mirror image of themselves to love. They want you.

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There Are No First Date Rules

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As much as us millennials want to convince ourselves that there are specific steps we should take to make a first date successful, I just don’t believe that’s true.

Who says we have to kiss someone on a first date to let them know we’re interested? Or, if we decide we want to sleep with someone on a first date, why do we think this means they will never want to see us again?

No first date is the same and different things work for different people. Is it fair to tell someone, they shouldn’t immediately text at the end of a successful first date if they want to, because you think it will come across far too keen? Probably not, because maybe the person they’ve just been on a date with might be looking for some reassurance that everything went well and besides, any normal functioning human being likes to be told that they’ve made a good impression on someone they’re dating.

Ultimately, if you sleep with someone on a first date and they aren’t genuinely interested in getting to know you, the likelihood is you won’t hear from them again … we could refer to someone like this as a ‘player’ and if that’s the dating path they are walking, then thats just fine, but if its not the one you want to walk, I would suggest taking a different route!

Personally, I’m not very affectionate, so for me to kiss someone on a first date, it would have to be because there is some kind of palpable chemistry between us. But ultimately I’m more of a slow burner. Does this mean people think i’m not interested? Well, yes probably sometimes, but that’s normally only when I haven’t reassured them that I’ve enjoyed spending time with them.

I cannot stress enough how much there isn’t a set rule book everyone should follow! I remember one of my friends telling me about one of her dating disasters, on her first date with a guy she got so drunk that she was sick on the tube right next to him … logically we would all assume that this guy would never want to see her again right? WRONG. He messaged her the next day to set up date number two ….

My last relationship formed after a drunken one night stand and we stayed together for three years. But also, on the one occasion I went on a first date and slept with the guy on the same night, I ended up never seeing him again and I’m sure thats a very relatable situation to a lot of people.

Ultimately, on a first date, you do whatever you think feels right. You wanna get drunk, get drunk. You wanna snog their face off, you do it! You wanna steal their phone and tell their family you’re going to marry them …. probably don’t do that actually. But sometimes, things we think will put someone off, just doesn’t and things we think will keep someone interested, ultimately pushes them away.

So on your next first date, you do you and make sure that date finishes exactly the way you want it to (probably making a second one)!

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Everyone’s a trial

Technically, everyone’s a trial until you find “the one” but how can you know you’ve found the one you want forever unless you’ve taken out a few 30 day free trials at some point?

I’m happy treating people I date in a “practice makes perfect” kind of attitude until I find someone I have a genuine connection with and to be honest, I’m in no real rush to do that, it seems to me that it tends to happen when you’re looking for it least anyway.

All the “trials” will be fun, they will pass the time and they will make sure I remain on my “a game” …. I wouldn’t want to suddenly be overcome with nerves when I bump into the person I actually want and have an interest in.

You know all those dates you’ve had that make you cringe thinking about because they were so bad, or the person turned out to be the total opposite of what you actually want in someone? They were not a waste of time, they were practice runs.

Those people you’ve wasted months at a time over, again, not a waste. It might feel like it but honestly they’re all helping you, your trial runs help you become more confident and more certain of yourself.

Treat every unsuccessful love as a trial, because ultimately that’s what they are. It won’t go wrong with the person you’re actually supposed to be with.

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Benefits without the friendship

I think Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis had it nailed down. No emotions, no relationship, just sex. It’s easy, you get what you want and best of all there are no expectations what so ever!

Being on a country leaving countdown makes things a bit complicated for me, like there’s no point getting to know someone from scratch, the effort of going through that phase of shit sex while you “get to know what each other like” is just boring.

If I wanted to get into a relationship with someone and really invest in them, then it’s worth going through that phase, but not when you don’t want to get into anything serious because you know you’re leaving the country in a matter of months.

It’s easier to revert to something (or someone should I say) that you feel familiar with. Being in a situation where you both know what makes each other tick, means that sex has the inability to be bad (thank god), you both get what you want and then carry on about your day. Sounds easy.

But it’s only easy if you both want the same thing … absolutely nothing. You can’t have someone as your go to for sex if they’re getting emotionally involved.

When I leave the country in 4 months time, I don’t want someone asking me not to leave. I want to be able to go with no complications and knowing I’ve kept my life as easy as possible, so maybe that means sticking to sleeping with one person for 4 months? Someone that I don’t have to try too hard around? I just want to focus on myself and I guess it would be handy to have a guaranteed shag when I want it from now until I leave.

Friends with benefits is a rubbish term, I mean who actually wants to be friends with someone they have “benefits” with? You just need to know they can get you off, not what their plans are for the week and if they want to go for dinner.

So the less emotional involvement the better. No emotions, no relationship, just sex.

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He’s Just A Friend

He’s just a friend you keep telling yourself.

You aren’t bothered when he doesn’t immediately respond to your messages, you aren’t bothered when he compliments someone else over you, you aren’t bothered by the fact you don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.

He’s just a friend, so why would you be bothered?

Because he’s your friend your stomach doesn’t flip when he messages you, you’re used to seeing his name on your phone, you message each other every day out of routine, not because your worlds would fall apart without each other.

You two being friends means you don’t get jealous when he’s talking to you about the new girl he’s seeing, you don’t care. As his friend you care about when it’s going wrong with someone who loves him, you don’t want him to get hurt because you’d do anything for him … but that’s how everyone feels about all their friends right? You’d go to the ends of the earth for them and back again, if it meant they wouldn’t have to get hurt by someone.

As his friend, you know where you stand. There are no crossed boundaries or blurred lines. You stand on one side and he firmly stands on the other. Everything is just easy and uncomplicated.

Because you’re friends, you know he loves you and you know that anyone you date will see that too but remain undeterred, it won’t bother them because they’ll see that your friendship is straight forward and they never need to get jealous.

The two of you being so close means that you can run to him when the other guys you trust hurt you. You know that when he wraps his arms around you and holds you that there’s nothing in it, because the two of you are just friends.

You don’t wish that he was the one you’d been with in the first place, because you know that he would never hurt you the way some of the others have done, because you’d never cross a line like that. Complicating things is messy and no one likes messy.

Except …..

None of that is true. Not a single word.

And trust me, no one will get it, because it’s complicated.

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If It Was Shit

 

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If it was shit, you wouldn’t find yourself thinking about it when you’re alone. Replaying scenes in your head and constantly going over how he felt.

You wouldn’t wake up in the morning knowing you’ve dreamt about it and then spend the rest of the day obsessively going over and over it in your mind.

You wouldn’t get turned on at just the memory of it if it was shit.

But here you are, laying in bed, thinking about his hands on your skin and you can feel your breathing getting shallower and your heartbeat getting faster as you remember how good his touch feels.

If it was shit, like you partly hoped it would be, you wouldn’t already be thinking about the next time he’ll be between your legs, running his hands over your body and telling you all the things you want to hear.

If it was shit, like it is with most of the others, you wouldn’t even think twice about doing it again … and again and again. You wouldn’t be replaying in your mind every position he had you in or how good he felt and now you’re laying here already dying to feel him again.

It’s hard isn’t it, because if it had been shit, the thought of him on top of you while you buried your face into his shoulder wouldn’t drive you to a point of almost being late for work. Distracted to a point of no easy return.

You wouldn’t find your hands wandering down in between your legs as the memories flood your brain, because if it had been shit, you wouldn’t get turned on thinking about the groans he let out when you reminded him how good you are with your mouth, or the sensation that overwhelmed your body as he trailed kisses across your skin.

Laying in bed, reminiscing over his hands being around your neck and listening to him tell you how good you feel, has provided you with what seems like a never ending array of visual memories to get yourself off to and it makes you realise …..

If it had been shit, it would be easy not to want it again. But it wasn’t shit, in fact it was the total opposite. So you just wait, for the “come to mine” message because you love doing what he asks (in part).

And that’s almost annoying.

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Closer to 30

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Officially turning an age that means I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20 seems even more significant that turning 21.

It’s as if all of a sudden, your decisions should start becoming sensible … as if the steps you take from here on in are actually going to have an impact.

21 to 25 is like a trial, a sneak peak into adulthood. Because although you’re working and paying a few bills, no one expects you to know what you’re doing and have your shit together.

But when you tell someone you’re 26, they start asking about your career and where you live and who you live with, it’s as if all of a sudden conversations become 10x more invasive because everyone expects you to have locked down what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with ….

I hate to break it to people fresh out of university ready to start their “adult life” but you will now just start to look for adultier adult in situations where you forget that you are in fact an adult yourself.

Most of us are still here making exactly the same decisions that we did when we were at uni or in our teens, constantly seeking attention from the opposite sex, texting our ex’s, getting drunk more than once a week, ending up in our overdrafts … the only difference now is that our hangovers last three days instead of three hours.

Getting older isn’t as exciting as I thought it would be, I can remember thinking in my teens that 25 was OLD, can we all just laugh at that together? Now I’m here just pretending to know what I’m doing.

But you know what, once you figure out that everyone is out here doing the best we can to not die of alcohol poisoning or undercooked food, you’ll feel better about your life. Everyone is at different stages and doing different things, especially in your 20’s. Some of my friends and married with kids and some of them are traveling the world, either of which is totally fine.

We’re all on our own journey and we shouldn’t be comparing it to other people’s.