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What does that even mean?

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‘I feel like I could do better than you’ nine of the worst strung together words to ever fall out of someones mouth, especially when they’re saying them straight to your face. Ouch.

But I get it, we say as much as we can to try and divert how we really feel, our defence mechanisms come out in full force when our fight or flight reflexes are letting us down. You know you should run away from a situation that’s bad for you, but you’ve never known bad to feel so good. So you won’t go anywhere.

I have a real habit of leaving a trail of destruction behind me wherever I go, because once someone makes it onto my hit list, I’ll go after them with no regards to anything else around me, and I always get what I want. But it’s ok because that destructive path actually looks kind of pretty, it’s filled with passion, lust and physical desire. Some of the best things to feel for another person.

So what does it even mean, when you’re telling me one thing but I know you mean another. When I know your negative comments are being used as a deflective technique. It’s actually a very good psychological trick, but you won’t have known that. The more you think of something negatively the less you’ll want it, but you’ll have to spend quite a while trying to think of negative things to put you off of me, or shall I pretend not to know that?

When you go from thinking about something almost obsessively, it takes more than a few days to stop old habits. When you want something as bad as that, it’s going to take more than a few deflective words to actually trick your brain. But good luck, because I think you’ll need it.

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The resurrection of the Ex’s

 

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Do you ever look at one of your ex’s and think …. I don’t even recognise you?

If you feel like since you’ve left them (or they’ve left you) they’ve been reborn into some new person that you don’t even recognise, then you’re not alone. People change and sometimes that’s shitty, especially when they turn into a version of themselves they promised they never could be.

And now you’re just left standing there looking at your ex thinking did you die?! Did you die and a new spirit has taken over your body, because this is not who I remember, this is not who I was dating

Let’s just pause for a moment of reflection here though *sits starring into space for a brief moment contemplating life*, do you think you come across as the same person to your friends, family, work colleagues, people you meet in one off social situations etc? Answer to that is probably not …. so is it our ex’s fault if they now look like a version of themselves you’ve never seen before?

You fall in love with a version of someone that you view as perfect and flawless … and maybe to get you to love them they only showed parts of their personality that they knew you’d love, like a showreel of the best parts of themselves, but no one can hide their true selves forever and I think in part, it would be unreasonable to expect that.

When you break up with someone (or when they break up with you) they will change, that’s a given. They no longer have to be the version of them that was focused on making you happy/the version you loved.

I think sometimes a lot of people get back together after breaking up because each of you go back to being yourselves again and suddenly you see the version of that other person coming back that you fell for in the first place, not the adapted version they became to make you happy.

This is why I think it’s super important to be friends with someone before you start dating, because you’ve seen them in an unfiltered way prior to loving them.

However, as an alternative approach, some of us just wish our ex’s would get hit by a car when we break up, but it still leaves the question, what version of themselves will they resurrect as?

So maybe it’s best to leave our pasts dead and buried, but if they do come back, just keep an eye out for the red flags, because people are constantly showing us who they really are through their actions, but we just tend to pick and choose what we want to pay attention to, especially when we really like them.

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The funny guys

The funny guys are the most dangerous….

They’re the ones you look at and think, “he’s not my type, but that will make it easier to be friends” but let me tell you now, you couldn’t be more wrong.

All of a sudden this guy, the one you’d be least likely to go up to in the middle of a club or at a bar, or even double tap a selfie of on Instagram .. has managed to laugh you into bed.

Now you’re just here like, what (and I cannot stress this enough) the fuck?!

This is why they’re the most dangerous. Out of nowhere, someone who if it was just based on looks you wouldn’t even consider giving a second chance to, has managed to distract you so much with their sense of humour, you forgot that they weren’t stereotypically your type.

I mean, good for them … but how does this happen?!

Funny thing is, this isn’t a rare occasion either. Lots of women I know have had this happen to them and it’s ultimately how they’ve ended up marrying someone who’s their best friend. These tend to be the marriages that people look at from the outside and think “but how did he get someone like her?”

I’ll tell you how, he blind sided her with his dad jokes and his non bullshit approach to life! It was literally that simple. He didn’t treat her as if she didn’t have a sense of humour like all the others and above all else, he didn’t care if he impressed her or not … yeah shocker, it was all unintentional!

So to all the guys who think .. “ah I don’t have a chance with her”. Just make her laugh, make her laugh until she forgets you’re not her type, because this is how you end up with a 10/10 when you’re only a 4/10 (on your good days).

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There Are No First Date Rules

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As much as us millennials want to convince ourselves that there are specific steps we should take to make a first date successful, I just don’t believe that’s true.

Who says we have to kiss someone on a first date to let them know we’re interested? Or, if we decide we want to sleep with someone on a first date, why do we think this means they will never want to see us again?

No first date is the same and different things work for different people. Is it fair to tell someone, they shouldn’t immediately text at the end of a successful first date if they want to, because you think it will come across far too keen? Probably not, because maybe the person they’ve just been on a date with might be looking for some reassurance that everything went well and besides, any normal functioning human being likes to be told that they’ve made a good impression on someone they’re dating.

Ultimately, if you sleep with someone on a first date and they aren’t genuinely interested in getting to know you, the likelihood is you won’t hear from them again … we could refer to someone like this as a ‘player’ and if that’s the dating path they are walking, then thats just fine, but if its not the one you want to walk, I would suggest taking a different route!

Personally, I’m not very affectionate, so for me to kiss someone on a first date, it would have to be because there is some kind of palpable chemistry between us. But ultimately I’m more of a slow burner. Does this mean people think i’m not interested? Well, yes probably sometimes, but that’s normally only when I haven’t reassured them that I’ve enjoyed spending time with them.

I cannot stress enough how much there isn’t a set rule book everyone should follow! I remember one of my friends telling me about one of her dating disasters, on her first date with a guy she got so drunk that she was sick on the tube right next to him … logically we would all assume that this guy would never want to see her again right? WRONG. He messaged her the next day to set up date number two ….

My last relationship formed after a drunken one night stand and we stayed together for three years. But also, on the one occasion I went on a first date and slept with the guy on the same night, I ended up never seeing him again and I’m sure thats a very relatable situation to a lot of people.

Ultimately, on a first date, you do whatever you think feels right. You wanna get drunk, get drunk. You wanna snog their face off, you do it! You wanna steal their phone and tell their family you’re going to marry them …. probably don’t do that actually. But sometimes, things we think will put someone off, just doesn’t and things we think will keep someone interested, ultimately pushes them away.

So on your next first date, you do you and make sure that date finishes exactly the way you want it to (probably making a second one)!

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Benefits without the friendship

I think Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis had it nailed down. No emotions, no relationship, just sex. It’s easy, you get what you want and best of all there are no expectations what so ever!

Being on a country leaving countdown makes things a bit complicated for me, like there’s no point getting to know someone from scratch, the effort of going through that phase of shit sex while you “get to know what each other like” is just boring.

If I wanted to get into a relationship with someone and really invest in them, then it’s worth going through that phase, but not when you don’t want to get into anything serious because you know you’re leaving the country in a matter of months.

It’s easier to revert to something (or someone should I say) that you feel familiar with. Being in a situation where you both know what makes each other tick, means that sex has the inability to be bad (thank god), you both get what you want and then carry on about your day. Sounds easy.

But it’s only easy if you both want the same thing … absolutely nothing. You can’t have someone as your go to for sex if they’re getting emotionally involved.

When I leave the country in 4 months time, I don’t want someone asking me not to leave. I want to be able to go with no complications and knowing I’ve kept my life as easy as possible, so maybe that means sticking to sleeping with one person for 4 months? Someone that I don’t have to try too hard around? I just want to focus on myself and I guess it would be handy to have a guaranteed shag when I want it from now until I leave.

Friends with benefits is a rubbish term, I mean who actually wants to be friends with someone they have “benefits” with? You just need to know they can get you off, not what their plans are for the week and if they want to go for dinner.

So the less emotional involvement the better. No emotions, no relationship, just sex.

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Closer to 30

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Officially turning an age that means I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20 seems even more significant that turning 21.

It’s as if all of a sudden, your decisions should start becoming sensible … as if the steps you take from here on in are actually going to have an impact.

21 to 25 is like a trial, a sneak peak into adulthood. Because although you’re working and paying a few bills, no one expects you to know what you’re doing and have your shit together.

But when you tell someone you’re 26, they start asking about your career and where you live and who you live with, it’s as if all of a sudden conversations become 10x more invasive because everyone expects you to have locked down what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with ….

I hate to break it to people fresh out of university ready to start their “adult life” but you will now just start to look for adultier adult in situations where you forget that you are in fact an adult yourself.

Most of us are still here making exactly the same decisions that we did when we were at uni or in our teens, constantly seeking attention from the opposite sex, texting our ex’s, getting drunk more than once a week, ending up in our overdrafts … the only difference now is that our hangovers last three days instead of three hours.

Getting older isn’t as exciting as I thought it would be, I can remember thinking in my teens that 25 was OLD, can we all just laugh at that together? Now I’m here just pretending to know what I’m doing.

But you know what, once you figure out that everyone is out here doing the best we can to not die of alcohol poisoning or undercooked food, you’ll feel better about your life. Everyone is at different stages and doing different things, especially in your 20’s. Some of my friends and married with kids and some of them are traveling the world, either of which is totally fine.

We’re all on our own journey and we shouldn’t be comparing it to other people’s.

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It’s time to give up

 

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Forcing something with someone who isn’t right for you ultimately results in two people feeling like shit and neither of them knowing why.

If two people don’t fit, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s either persons fault. It’s just life. Sometimes things aren’t supposed to work out someone because the one you’re supposed to be with, isn’t in your life yet.

But trying to stay with someone when both of you spend most of your time miserable is just delaying the inevitable.

When it’s not working with someone and you’ve tired your hardest, it’s time to walk away.

Giving up isn’t weak, what’s weak is staying with someone because you’re too scared to leave.

Neither of you wants to hurt but yet you’re both hurting each other. So how is promising someone you’ll change when you know you’ve done nothing wrong beneficial to either of you? All it will result in is one person hating the other.

Let’s be honest, feeling like shit is shit, life’s too short to sit around being miserable and feeling anything less than crazy passionate love for the person you’re shagging.

And while one person might make you feel mediocre and not enough, someone out there wants to make you feel like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to them. You’re with the wrong person, it’s time to accept that and move on.

People are either a lesson or a blessing in our lives and hopefully this lesson has taught you how to spot red flags as well as helping you figure out a number of things you don’t want in someone.

Cut your losses, walk away from crazy, because when crazy isn’t fun it’s scary and unsafe.

You want someone who drives you crazy for them, not someone who is stab you in your sleep kind of crazy.

A series of bad relationships wont help you feel like a better person because you’ve been there for a string of people who’ve felt down and out about their own lives.

Maybe try being with someone who’s driven and who has their shit together, don’t go for people who offer any less than you do. If you’re giving them love and stability then don’t accept less in return.

Forcing yourself to be happy with someone who isn’t happy with either themselves or who you are as a person, is a disaster waiting to happen. Stop being scared to go after what’s best for you.