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He’s Just A Friend

He’s just a friend you keep telling yourself.

You aren’t bothered when he doesn’t immediately respond to your messages, you aren’t bothered when he compliments someone else over you, you aren’t bothered by the fact you don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.

He’s just a friend, so why would you be bothered?

Because he’s your friend your stomach doesn’t flip when he messages you, you’re used to seeing his name on your phone, you message each other every day out of routine, not because your worlds would fall apart without each other.

You two being friends means you don’t get jealous when he’s talking to you about the new girl he’s seeing, you don’t care. As his friend you care about when it’s going wrong with someone who loves him, you don’t want him to get hurt because you’d do anything for him … but that’s how everyone feels about all their friends right? You’d go to the ends of the earth for them and back again, if it meant they wouldn’t have to get hurt by someone.

As his friend, you know where you stand. There are no crossed boundaries or blurred lines. You stand on one side and he firmly stands on the other. Everything is just easy and uncomplicated.

Because you’re friends, you know he loves you and you know that anyone you date will see that too but remain undeterred, it won’t bother them because they’ll see that your friendship is straight forward and they never need to get jealous.

The two of you being so close means that you can run to him when the other guys you trust hurt you. You know that when he wraps his arms around you and holds you that there’s nothing in it, because the two of you are just friends.

You don’t wish that he was the one you’d been with in the first place, because you know that he would never hurt you the way some of the others have done, because you’d never cross a line like that. Complicating things is messy and no one likes messy.

Except …..

None of that is true. Not a single word.

And trust me, no one will get it, because it’s complicated.

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Closer to 30

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Officially turning an age that means I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20 seems even more significant that turning 21.

It’s as if all of a sudden, your decisions should start becoming sensible … as if the steps you take from here on in are actually going to have an impact.

21 to 25 is like a trial, a sneak peak into adulthood. Because although you’re working and paying a few bills, no one expects you to know what you’re doing and have your shit together.

But when you tell someone you’re 26, they start asking about your career and where you live and who you live with, it’s as if all of a sudden conversations become 10x more invasive because everyone expects you to have locked down what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with ….

I hate to break it to people fresh out of university ready to start their “adult life” but you will now just start to look for adultier adult in situations where you forget that you are in fact an adult yourself.

Most of us are still here making exactly the same decisions that we did when we were at uni or in our teens, constantly seeking attention from the opposite sex, texting our ex’s, getting drunk more than once a week, ending up in our overdrafts … the only difference now is that our hangovers last three days instead of three hours.

Getting older isn’t as exciting as I thought it would be, I can remember thinking in my teens that 25 was OLD, can we all just laugh at that together? Now I’m here just pretending to know what I’m doing.

But you know what, once you figure out that everyone is out here doing the best we can to not die of alcohol poisoning or undercooked food, you’ll feel better about your life. Everyone is at different stages and doing different things, especially in your 20’s. Some of my friends and married with kids and some of them are traveling the world, either of which is totally fine.

We’re all on our own journey and we shouldn’t be comparing it to other people’s.

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It’s not your job to fix her

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when she tells you that she’s broken, it isn’t her inviting you to try and fix her.

it’s more of a warning signal, she wants you to know that while you date she may do some out of character, stupid shit. But it’s because she doesn’t trust people in the way most others do, she approaches everyone with caution, she tests people and she will provoke you to hurt her, but you shouldn’t. Even when she tries to push you away, you should try your hardest not to leave.

When the last one shattered her heart in the cruelest way you could think of, she became an altered version of herself. She didn’t feel whole anymore. She took some time to herself to make sure she felt like she could be a whole person again, by herself.

And now you’re here … she want’s you to stay but can’t figure out how to tell you without making herself vulnerable (the one thing she fears above everything else) so instead, she tells you she’s broken. She want’s you to understand that in this new form she cant express how much she loves someone in the way you expect her to. She shows love in the form of jealousy and while that may annoy you, it’s the only way she knows how.

When she tests you and tells you that she doesn’t care that you flirt with other girls … she does. But she constantly goes after proof that you won’t.

For her to believe that you won’t do what the others have done, you’ll have to tread carefully. And above everything else, you shouldn’t try and fix how she’s become, because this is her new normal.

All she knows are lies and belittling comments, so she waits for something negative to spill from your mouth after you compliment her. She’ll be scared to tell you she disagrees with you because she doesn’t want you to be angry and hold it against her until you find a way of getting her back.

Even though you may want to try, it’s not your job to try and fix her. She doesn’t want to be fixed, she just wants someone to accept the version of herself she currently is.

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Tinder is Dead

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Back when I was at university Tinder had just started to become a recognised ‘thing’, so we’re talking about 6 years or so ago (yes I know it’s been around longer than that) and back then, people who I went to uni with would use it as a hook up platform.

It wasn’t something you used to build a meaningful connection with someone, it was more of a ‘you out tonight’ kind of chat, but with someone who’s social circle you hadn’t quite penetrated (excuse the pun) in real life. So here you are, about to get ready to go on a piss up and you’ve already lined up your one night stand potential, someone who isn’t linked too closely to your group of friends for it to be awkward, but also it’s not a stranger danger type situation.

So now lets skip ahead to the grand old year of 2019 and still, my mindset about this dating app has not changed. If you want to try a dating app for genuine dating and getting to know someone, in my opinion, you do not use Tinder.

Tinder is a place where narcissistic tendencies go to thrive. It’s like a party hub for the countries most illegible singletons.

Ok, so lets pretend for a second that I’m being unfair. I’d be willing to give Tinder the benefit of the doubt, but I don’t know of one successful relationship that has come from Tinder and the word successful is really key here! I know of relationships that have formed, however they are not in any way shape or form the #relationshipgoals we see sprawled across Instagram and Facebook.

I don’t particularly want to be with someone who cuts me off from the life I’ve spent 25 years building for myself, I don’t want them to come in and try and change who I am and what I stand for and honestly, the only kind of Tinder relationship I’ve seen is exactly what I’ve outlined above.

I can’t be bothered to put on a fake smile for someone and sit across a table discussing my life and my career just to find out they’re actually there just to get into my knickers. If I wanted a quick shag with someone I think I’d put less effort in than that and pull someone on a night out, that way I don’t have to go through the painful explanation of how my ‘date’ went the next day when everyone asks.

I can’t say that Shelia in the office would be too impressed with hearing about the worst sex I’ve had in my life with a total stranger, who’s pictures showed them from a much more flattering angle than how they looked in real life. So not only was the sex awful, but you also had to try and only look at the left side of their face (their photogenic side).

Yeah I think I’d rather not ….

Whereas I think people just assume one night stands happen on a night out, no one asks for all the juicy gossip of how you got shit faced and threw up in your own shoe, so surely, you might as well add in a night of very forgettable sex to that and no one will ever be any the wiser!

Don’t get me wrong, online dating can be a really good place to meet your forever person (so I’ve heard) but Tinder …. well in my opinion Tinder is dead.

I think we need to start actually saying hello to each other in real life, yeah I know it’s scary, but apparently that’s how people met before technology came along and destroyed romantic ‘how we met’ stories.

Personally, I’d rather end up marrying someone I had a story with, maybe someones who’s been my best friend, or someone who I would never have met in normal circumstances but fate bought us together by chance and now here we are.

Most of us will tend to go back to a platform like Tinder because we like the feeling of knowing we could have anyone we wanted, it’s a feel good factor and big confidence boost seeing all the people who’ve liked you that you then choose to disregard 80% of just because you can. But honestly, Tinder is not a good place to find a rebound!

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Narcissistic Millennials

It seems like we all just pass the time by finding someone to waste our time on these days.

We’ll scroll through Hinge or Bumble or any one of the many dating apps we have available to us and find that one person who’s name will fill our phones for the next few weeks or months and then just as modern dating has taught us is acceptable, it fades out and we take on our “thank you, next” approach.

I don’t even think we bother taking the time to process the impact each of these fleeting people have had on our lives for a little while …. but we don’t need to, there are thousands more just like them at the tap of our finger.

Us people in our 20’s and 30’s seem to be happy when we have someone to go back and talk to when we’re bored, we’re like creatures of habit. Having constant attention off of one person makes us feel good and wanted, but we’re not phased if the source of that constant attention keeps changing, as long as we have someone making our phones go off like we’re wanted. It’s when our phones go quite that we realise we’re bothered ….

Having the ability to speak to as many single (and some not) people as we want to makes us feel good. Like we have a lot of power by being able to pick and choose who we speak to based on not knowing them at all, but maybe this whole practice is just turning us all into narcissists?

We’ve been give the ability to decide within a matter of seconds whether someone is worthy of us having a conversation with them purely based on the way they look and if that isn’t narcissistic then I don’t know what is!

If no one has slid into our dm’s following our recent selfie, we get offended, but for the people who do slide into our dm’s … well we ignore them obviously. Why would someone try and contact us just based on our “fire” selfie? How rude, they don’t know us like that.

Seriously … what is wrong with us all. It seems like no one can do anything right when it comes to trying to speak to the person they like the look of. We laugh at people for putting themselves out there and “trying” but at least they haven’t been sucked into this narcissistic lifestyle where no one is good enough.

If online dating has taught us all anything … it’s how to have egos bigger than our hearts. It hasn’t taught us any valuable lessons about love.

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The Almost’s

The hardest thing about loving ourselves is that we’re letting so many people have the power to give us reasons not to.

So many times we’ve given other people the ability to make us feel not quite good enough and we’ve ultimately led to our own downfall, even if we try blaming others.

But what if we took that control back? What if suddenly the power we thought other people had to make us feel wanted and valued actually belonged with us, we wouldn’t lose sleep over how we were impacting others because all we would be focusing on is how we’re impacting our own lives.

We all still seem to be healing from an almost relationship, a friend with benefits, a three night stand, or a summer fling. We keep searching for closure and looking for answers from the person that broke our hearts, when really we gave it to them before they even deserved it. A lot of us are struggling to move on from an old love like we were dumped, even though we were never given the label of boyfriend or girlfriend.

So what are we actually struggling to move on from? Because an almost relationship isn’t worth getting heart broken over and it definitely isn’t worth losing your sense of calm.

A very wise person in my life said something to me recently which has resonated:

It’s bad enough that people we spend years with have an impact on our lives, but letting somebody I’ve known for less time then I’ve owned a toothbrush affect me, that’s not ok

How many of us have been on dates that result in that person choosing not to reply to your messages, but will stalk your social media? All of a sudden it seems to affect your head way more than it should do, why has someone who’s relatively a stranger suddenly got the ability to control your state of mind? Let’s be honest, a month from now you probably won’t even remember their name anyway.

Or even that person you’ve been “dating” for a month or so, it was never official so you shouldn’t really have invested that much of your mental energy into it. But yet here you are wondering if you should message them, hoping they’re bothered by that picture you uploaded with another guy etc etc …. ultimately the only person who’s thinking about it loads, is you.

We spend hours deciphering texts, ranting to friends and over thinking message responses over someone who just doesn’t care. They’ve never introduced you to their grandparents or bothered to learn when your birthday is or in some cases even bothered to make plans with you more than once. So what’s the big deal?

If you take a second to sit back and think about it, it seems as though we’ve stopped entering serious relationships, but we haven’t stopped getting our hearts broken, or at the absolute minimum, we haven’t stopped letting it having a serious affect on the way we think about ourselves. It seems a shame that we’re letting others around us control our energy that much.

And on that note, I think we all need to try and focus more on our own actions and how they impact our moods rather than focusing on how other people are making us feel. Especially people who ultimately end up playing a very unimportant role in the story of our lives, people who are fleeting and unimportant, people who ten years from now when you recall the most memorable and important events of your life ….. won’t even make the top 100 things to reminisce about.

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Star Crossed Lovers

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Let me paint the scene for you …..

You’ve been seeing someone now for a few weeks, you’re getting on well. You’ve been learning lots about them and it all seems positive! You’re excited …. maybe this ones forever?!

You know you shouldn’t, but you do … I mean you have to right? You flick your laptop on, you put his name into your Facebook search bar and manage to find him instantly (obviously, who isn’t good at some light online stalking) but this isn’t about stalking through his past, finding all his ex’s or checking to see where he likes to hang out with his friends … no this is far more important. You click on his about tab, carefully scrolling through until you find that vital bit of information … got it!

So, October 1st …. that makes him a Libra.

Now the real analysis begins. Imagine if after all this time I find out that our star signs just aren’t compatible. GAME OVER!

Any girl who says she doesn’t do a star sign compatibility check on a guy she likes is a liar, we all do it, might as well shamelessly own up.

So, according to the ten various astrology sites that are now etched onto my browser history (could be worse) “a Taurus and a Libra are a bit of a wild card when it comes to compatibility, sometimes they work” … wait SOMETIMES? No, that’s not good enough, I’ll keep looking, the first ten could be confused.

“Taurus and Libra can end up seeming needy to one another, Taurus to Libra because of their emotional neediness and Libra to Taurus because of their physical one” 

Oh. well, I don’t class myself as being emotionally needy anyway so I’m sure it’s fine, I’ll read on.

“they are still two signs ruled by Venus and can be very attracted to each other”

Yes! Exactly, see I knew it would work out eventually.

“with enough patience they could be a really good fit”

Ok, well on that note I’ll have to bow out. Patience is not something I have. It was good while it lasted but it’s just not written in the stars for us.

*Unsubscribes from astrology weekly newsletter*

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