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He’s just a friend

He’s just a friend you keep telling yourself.

You aren’t bothered when he doesn’t immediately respond to your messages, you aren’t bothered when he compliments someone else over you, you aren’t bothered by the fact you don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.

He’s just a friend, so why would you be bothered?

Because he’s your friend your stomach doesn’t flip when he messages you, you’re used to seeing his name on your phone, you message each other every day out of routine, not because your worlds would fall apart without each other.

You two being friends means you don’t get jealous when he’s talking to you about the new girl he’s seeing, you don’t care. As his friend you care about when it’s going wrong with someone who loves him, you don’t want him to get hurt because you’d do anything for him … but that’s how everyone feels about all their friends right? You’d go to the ends of the earth for them and back again, if it meant they wouldn’t have to get hurt by someone.

As his friend, you know where you stand. There are no crossed boundaries or blurred lines. You stand on one side and he firmly stands on the other. Everything is just easy and uncomplicated like that.

Because you’re friends, you know he loves you and you know that anyone you date will see that too but remain undeterred, it won’t bother them because they’ll see that your friendship is straight forward.

The two of you being so close means that you can run to him when the other guys you trust hurt you. You know that when he wraps his arms around you and holds you that there’s nothing in it, because the two of you are just friends.

You don’t wish that he was the one you’d been with in the first place, because you know that he would never hurt you the way some of the others have done, because you’d never cross a line like that. Complicating things is messy and no one likes messy.

Except …..

None of that is true.

And trust me, no one will get it.

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It’s not your job to fix her

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when she tells you that she’s broken, it isn’t her inviting you to try and fix her.

it’s more of a warning signal, she wants you to know that while you date she may do some out of character, stupid shit. But it’s because she doesn’t trust people in the way most others do, she approaches everyone with caution, she tests people and she will provoke you to hurt her, but you shouldn’t. Even when she tries to push you away, you should try your hardest not to leave.

When the last one shattered her heart in the cruelest way you could think of, she became an altered version of herself. She didn’t feel whole anymore. She took some time to herself to make sure she felt like she could be a whole person again, by herself.

And now you’re here … she want’s you to stay but can’t figure out how to tell you without making herself vulnerable (the one thing she fears above everything else) so instead, she tells you she’s broken. She want’s you to understand that in this new form she cant express how much she loves someone in the way you expect her to. She shows love in the form of jealousy and while that may annoy you, it’s the only way she knows how.

When she tests you and tells you that she doesn’t care that you flirt with other girls … she does. But she constantly goes after proof that you won’t.

For her to believe that you won’t do what the others have done, you’ll have to tread carefully. And above everything else, you shouldn’t try and fix how she’s become, because this is her new normal.

All she knows are lies and belittling comments, so she waits for something negative to spill from your mouth after you compliment her. She’ll be scared to tell you she disagrees with you because she doesn’t want you to be angry and hold it against her until you find a way of getting her back.

Even though you may want to try, it’s not your job to try and fix her. She doesn’t want to be fixed, she just wants someone to accept the version of herself she currently is.

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What We’ve Learnt From Previous Relationships

Looking back at past experiences where love was once involved can sometimes be quite daunting. It can be scary thinking about the past and how it’s lead you to where you are now.

I’ve seen a countless number of my friends go through break ups that have had them crying their eyes out but ultimately ending up feeling stronger at the end of it. I’ve known the person who has walked away and I’ve also known the person who’s been walked away from and seeing it from both sides makes it easier to understand why people do what they do. One thing I have learnt is that no one ever breaks someone’s heart spur of the moment, normally it’s been lots of little events that have driven them to that defining point (either that or one of you has just been a total prick to the other person)

I’ve been in relationships where I feel unsure about whether or not I should stay or leave. I’ve had to ask myself if I should I stay just because I feel like it’s the right thing to do, or if I want to stay because I love them despite the fact I know they’re not treating me how they should.

We’ve all learnt things from our previous relationships and here’s a list of things people have told me they’ve learnt from their ex loves. Some things that may help others and some that they just wanted to get off their chest when it comes to talking about the shit part of a relationship… the end:

1. Even when you don’t want to walk away, you should always listen to your gut instinct … sometimes it’s telling you things your heart doesn’t want to hear.

2. A cheat is always a cheat, it doesn’t matter how much you believe they will change for you. They won’t.

3. Your friends will see their flaws way before you do. Sometimes you should try and see things from their point of view. Being blind sided by someone fucking sucks.

4. If they move on quicker than you after you break up, it isn’t something you should take personally, just shows their true colours.

5. Sometimes people want to be in a relationship so bad they will become an altered version of themselves to please you. But that charade won’t last forever!

6. Getting under someone to get over someone is perfectly acceptable! Never feel ashamed for wanting to experience other people.

7. Be with someone who’s also your best friend. They’ll never be the person who keeps you awake at night worrying about what their doing.

8. Attraction alone won’t keep two people together for very long. A relationship needs to be so much more than that.

9. Without having both trust and communication within a relationship you’ll never be able to grow together and if you can’t grow together, where’s your future?

10. Ultimately love must be ABSOLUTE trust. A relationship without trust is like a phone without signal, all you end up doing is playing games.

11. Trying to change the person you’re with is a pretty big red flag that you’re probably not with the right person in the first place.

12. Hustle together! If you’re both driven towards goals for a shared future, very few things will be able to shake that.

13. A mutual respect for each other as individual people is very important. You don’t need to be glued at the hip 24/7 to show you love each other.

14. Ultimately, if they’re going to cheat. Nothing you can do or say will stop them. You can check their phone if you want but it won’t prevent their actions.

15. Make sure you love yourself before you try and love anyone else. Sounds cheesy, but the more you care about others opinions the more it can effect your relationship.

16. You think you know love, but that heartache you get when they leave. That’s the love, sucks but it’s true.

17. Lust is NOT love. Infatuation is not long term and that fire will burn you at some point.

18. There is no right way to handle a break up. Do not let your friends or family make you feel bad about how you’re processing your own emotions. You wanna shag a dude …. you shag a dude!

19. Feeling lonely when they’re sat right beside you is far worse than actually being alone. If they make you feel like that, you’re better of by yourself.

20. Women talk. If you upset them their whole circle of friends will know. Be prepared to apologise to more than one female when you’re in a relationship.

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My List Of Sorry’s .. Just For You 

Where do I begin ….

  1. I’m sorry I became less of myself, less of the girl you fell in love with.
  2. I’m sorry I didn’t manage to pull myself out of my downward spiral.
  3. I’m sorry I relied on you as my only source of happiness
  4. I’m sorry I drained you, I never meant to make you feel like that.
  5. I’m sorry you felt like you were responsible for making me happy .. I’ve realised it isn’t hard for me to do it myself
  6. I’m sorry I was selfish and I wanted you to myself all the time. That wasn’t fair of me.
  7. I’m sorry I didn’t let you grow as a person, but I already thought you were incredible.
  8. I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured, I never wanted you to feel that making sure you were making me happy was pressure on you.
  9. I’m sorry I ultimatly put myself before you most of the time because I thought you were fine and I wasn’t.
  10. I’m sorry our relationship turned into something I was so reliant on, I should have been able to be rely on myself.
  11. I’m sorry I couldn’t see what I was doing … Until now.
  12. I’m sorry if you felt like I was never happy, I just lost myself for a while.
  13. I’m sorry I forgot to be ambitious, all my focus was on us and I should have made more time for me so you could have had more time for you.
  14. I’m sorry I briefly lost sight of what truly mattered, us being happy together, but as two separate people.
  15. I’m sorry I was taking so much of your energy when you needed it yourself, I know it must have been exhausting.
  16. I’m sorry if you felt suffocated, I wanted you to feel like you can do what you wanted and still have me, but that isn’t something I could do.
  17. I’m sorry you lost yourself a little bit too because of me.
  18. I’m sorry I couldn’t have figured this out earlier and I had to have you push me away so I had time to think.
  19. I’m sorry I managed to become someone I never intended to be and I didn’t let myself take time to realise what was happening.
  20. But most of all, I’m sorry I’m still in love with you, but I’ll never be able to stop that.

 

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Overcoming Jealousy

jealousy

I just hope he starts to consider ‘us’ more frequently and talks to me  a lot more …

The fact that you can be jealous due to high self esteem and low self esteem is total news to me, but the more I’ve read up on it, the more I realise that I have a problem. If you find your self suffering from the green eyed monster, I am sure just like I have, you will find yourself asking what’s wrong with you. Let me begin by saying that jealousy is a normal emotion, just like anger (I mention that because they are both connected) it’s what coping mechanism we use, that will depict how the situation unfolds for us. If you’re like me you’ll just stop talking, or pout, in the hope that distancing yourself from your partner will actually make them want to pull closer to you. Well it doesn’t, which I am sure isn’t news to anyone. In fact it leads to them acting defensive and angry because normally, if it’s a situation you’ve created in your head then they wont be able to work out what they’ve done wrong. Overcoming jealousy is like changing any emotional reaction or behavior and it’s all going to start with realising there’s a problem.

The Stages of Jealousy:

  • When your partner says something that triggers your anger/jealousy you can’t seem to put a lid on it, it will keep bubbling up inside of you until you argue and let it all out.
  • You wan’t to put your point across in as many ways as possible to make them feel small.
  • This one aspect that started this trigger of emotions has now bought up a million different issues/situations that have made you think they don’t care.
  • As much as you want to talk to your partner like a normal human being, the mix of jealousy/anger just wont allow you to do so.
  • You find yourself thinking ‘I don’t deserve to be treated like this, he/she should respect me more’
  • You then begin to worry that you are pushing your partner away because you are constantly accusing them, but you just can’t help it.

Low Self Esteem Jealousy:

  • You can’t understand why he/she loves you.
  • You constantly need reassurance.
  • You are always thinking your partner can and will do better.
  • You are convinced that they find every person they talk to of the opposite sex attractive and has thought about sleeping with them.

High Self Esteem Jealousy:

  • You find your self thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’
  • You think you deserve your partners undivided attention 24 hours a day
  • You are already thinking of how you will end things before they cheat
  • You think they should only find you attractive and no one else, ever.

My Problem is …

I want my partner to put the same effort in with me as he did at the start, I want him to consider my feelings and start thinking about ‘us’ instead of just ‘him’ in situations that will concern the both of us. I know I suffer from jealousy because of anger, which is something I am going to try to work on. I find the longer I am in a relationship with someone the more jealous I get because I care and worry more, I worry because I think arguments will push him away and then he will find someone who doesn’t want to argue. I only argue because I care and I want him to understand me, I appreciate him and I love him, but my worry is that he will find someone that can do that minus the arguments. I constantly find myself thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’ when we argue and when I become angry due to the fact that I think of every scenario where he has put me or us second and his own want’s first. In a relationship I believe you should always consider the other person and it makes me angry when he doesn’t see things in the same way I do. But I believe if I work on how I deal with both my anger and Jealousy combined it will help how we deal with situations together.

TIP: I’ve signed up to #MarkTyrrell’s Pyschology course to help deal with my jealousy and anger within my relationship.