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Closer to 30

Officially turning an age that means I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20 seems even more significant that turning 21.

It’s as if all of a sudden, your decisions should start becoming sensible … as if the steps you take from here on in are actually going to have an impact.

21 to 25 is like a trial, a sneak peak into adulthood. Because although you’re working and paying a few bills, no one expects you to know what you’re doing and have your shit together.

But when you tell someone you’re 26, they start asking about your career and where you live and who you live with, it’s as if all of a sudden conversations become 10x more invasive because everyone expects you to have locked down what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with ….

I hate to break it to people fresh out of university ready to start their “adult life” but you will now just start to look for adultier adult in situations where you forget that you are in fact an adult yourself.

Most of us are still here making exactly the same decisions that we did when we were at uni or in our teens, constantly seeking attention from the opposite sex, texting our ex’s, getting drunk more than once a week, ending up in our overdrafts … the only difference now is that our hangovers last three days instead of three hours.

Getting older isn’t as exciting as I thought it would be, I can remember thinking in my teens that 25 was OLD, can we all just laugh at that together? Now I’m here just pretending to know what I’m doing.

But you know what, once you figure out that everyone is out here doing the best we can to not die of alcohol poisoning or undercooked food, you’ll feel better about your life. Everyone is at different stages and doing different things, especially in your 20’s. Some of my friends and married with kids and some of them are traveling the world, either of which is totally fine.

We’re all on our own journey and we shouldn’t be comparing it to other people’s.

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Right Now 


You cannot choose who you love but you can decide on how you love them.  And you know how I think, me and you are meant to be together. You being with anyone else is just a waste of your time. 

We will find our way back to each other, once we have finished growing. 

I would do anything for you, but what if that’s wrong right now. I never thought It was possible to love you as much as I do. 

What we have is a great love, and no matter what we do or how much we fight it keeps pulling us back in because we know it’s not over and I can’t even sit here and pretend I don’t like being pulled in by you and us, we’re magnetic and I know you feel that too, every time we are together. 

All I’ve ever done is love you and no matter what stupid things we fought about I still always loved you and you told me you wouldn’t go anywhere. But you have. And as I’m sure you can see, I’m surviving without you being mine. People aren’t supposed to give up when things get hard but you did. 

I love you, I’m in love with you. And as much as I’ve tried to stop I can’t and I don’t want to. I never want to stop loving you. You are without a doubt the love of my life and I can’t stand the thought of you with anyone else. 

I know you care about me and I know you love me, but you don’t want me enough to keep me to yourself. And I deserve better I’m sorry. 

I hope three months from now we can look back at this together and realise how crazy it all was because we have found our way back to each other after growing separately. I love you with all my heart and you are always supposed to be with me, just not right now. 

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My List Of Sorry’s .. Just For You 

Where do I begin ….

  1. I’m sorry I became less of myself, less of the girl you fell in love with.
  2. I’m sorry I didn’t manage to pull myself out of my downward spiral.
  3. I’m sorry I relied on you as my only source of happiness
  4. I’m sorry I drained you, I never meant to make you feel like that.
  5. I’m sorry you felt like you were responsible for making me happy .. I’ve realised it isn’t hard for me to do it myself
  6. I’m sorry I was selfish and I wanted you to myself all the time. That wasn’t fair of me.
  7. I’m sorry I didn’t let you grow as a person, but I already thought you were incredible.
  8. I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured, I never wanted you to feel that making sure you were making me happy was pressure on you.
  9. I’m sorry I ultimatly put myself before you most of the time because I thought you were fine and I wasn’t.
  10. I’m sorry our relationship turned into something I was so reliant on, I should have been able to be rely on myself.
  11. I’m sorry I couldn’t see what I was doing … Until now.
  12. I’m sorry if you felt like I was never happy, I just lost myself for a while.
  13. I’m sorry I forgot to be ambitious, all my focus was on us and I should have made more time for me so you could have had more time for you.
  14. I’m sorry I briefly lost sight of what truly mattered, us being happy together, but as two separate people.
  15. I’m sorry I was taking so much of your energy when you needed it yourself, I know it must have been exhausting.
  16. I’m sorry if you felt suffocated, I wanted you to feel like you can do what you wanted and still have me, but that isn’t something I could do.
  17. I’m sorry you lost yourself a little bit too because of me.
  18. I’m sorry I couldn’t have figured this out earlier and I had to have you push me away so I had time to think.
  19. I’m sorry I managed to become someone I never intended to be and I didn’t let myself take time to realise what was happening.
  20. But most of all, I’m sorry I’m still in love with you, but I’ll never be able to stop that.