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Thank You Next

 

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If you can’t imagine introducing him to your family then honestly, what are you wasting your time for?

You might really like him, the sex might be great but when you think of him being around your family you suddenly get a sinking feeling, as if you know that he isn’t what they would want for you. You know your family would want you to be with someone who isn’t afraid to be soppy with you around them, because you know they would be happy to see that someone loves you as much as they do.

So if he’s afraid of physical affection in any way shape or form, is he really the one for you? Don’t get me wrong, PDA is massively off-putting, however, its nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s just in private. If you don’t feel wanted, how can you think that he’s for you?

As someone who is massively family orientated, I will always care about what my family think of my significant other. Which is why I avoid introducing them to anyone until I’m certain about how I feel and I know who they are. No one likes explaining to their parents why someone they were with a week ago at the family BBQ has now done a disappearing act.

So seriously, if you can’t imagine him stood beside you with an affectionate arm around your waist at family events, from BBQ’s to children’s birthdays, from weddings to funerals, then WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME?!

You might not be able to focus your attention on anyone else right now, because although he’s a twat, you’re a little bit lust obsessed. But that’s ok, as long as you can acknowledged he is not someone that you should even imagine a future with.

You might love sleeping next to him, but if he isn’t rolling over to spoon you every now and then, or to put your head on his chest to make sure you’re still laying there with him, then you might as well be sleeping alone, because despite him being there, you feel as though he isn’t.

If you’re revelling in the fact that he’s been giving you undivided attention for the last few months (since his last disappearing act) make sure you remember how you feel when he does go back to his old habits … you know, the ones that you’re mysteriously missed out of. Because as nice as his attention is, someone who will be consistent for you, will be better in the long run.

So enjoy him while you can, because he’s not the one you’re supposed to be with forever.

He’s not the one you want to introduce to your family and he’s not the one who treats you how you expected the love of your life to treat you. But he’s fun and he’s easy to talk to, you have things in common, but not enough to make your parents approve of him.

He might be good looking, but if he isn’t willing to show you any affection in front of his friends or your friends, then you need to find someone better, someone who doesn’t want to keep their hands off you, but who knows you well enough to understand that you’re not a fan of PDA, so all they have to do is tell you they cant wait to get you alone later and that will make your day.

If he isn’t loving you the way you want him to, it’s probably a blessing in disguise.

So when he ghosts on you again, remember he is not the one you want forever. So you might as well let him disappear, as long as you’re not going to let him come back again (for the fourth time).

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Tinder is Dead

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Back when I was at university Tinder had just started to become a recognised ‘thing’, so we’re talking about 6 years or so ago (yes I know it’s been around longer than that) and back then, people who I went to uni with would use it as a hook up platform.

It wasn’t something you used to build a meaningful connection with someone, it was more of a ‘you out tonight’ kind of chat, but with someone who’s social circle you hadn’t quite penetrated (excuse the pun) in real life. So here you are, about to get ready to go on a piss up and you’ve already lined up your one night stand potential, someone who isn’t linked too closely to your group of friends for it to be awkward, but also it’s not a stranger danger type situation.

So now lets skip ahead to the grand old year of 2019 and still, my mindset about this dating app has not changed. If you want to try a dating app for genuine dating and getting to know someone, in my opinion, you do not use Tinder.

Tinder is a place where narcissistic tendencies go to thrive. It’s like a party hub for the countries most illegible singletons.

Ok, so lets pretend for a second that I’m being unfair. I’d be willing to give Tinder the benefit of the doubt, but I don’t know of one successful relationship that has come from Tinder and the word successful is really key here! I know of relationships that have formed, however they are not in any way shape or form the #relationshipgoals we see sprawled across Instagram and Facebook.

I don’t particularly want to be with someone who cuts me off from the life I’ve spent 25 years building for myself, I don’t want them to come in and try and change who I am and what I stand for and honestly, the only kind of Tinder relationship I’ve seen is exactly what I’ve outlined above.

I can’t be bothered to put on a fake smile for someone and sit across a table discussing my life and my career just to find out they’re actually there just to get into my knickers. If I wanted a quick shag with someone I think I’d put less effort in than that and pull someone on a night out, that way I don’t have to go through the painful explanation of how my ‘date’ went the next day when everyone asks.

I can’t say that Shelia in the office would be too impressed with hearing about the worst sex I’ve had in my life with a total stranger, who’s pictures showed them from a much more flattering angle than how they looked in real life. So not only was the sex awful, but you also had to try and only look at the left side of their face (their photogenic side).

Yeah I think I’d rather not ….

Whereas I think people just assume one night stands happen on a night out, no one asks for all the juicy gossip of how you got shit faced and threw up in your own shoe, so surely, you might as well add in a night of very forgettable sex to that and no one will ever be any the wiser!

Don’t get me wrong, online dating can be a really good place to meet your forever person (so I’ve heard) but Tinder …. well in my opinion Tinder is dead.

I think we need to start actually saying hello to each other in real life, yeah I know it’s scary, but apparently that’s how people met before technology came along and destroyed romantic ‘how we met’ stories.

Personally, I’d rather end up marrying someone I had a story with, maybe someones who’s been my best friend, or someone who I would never have met in normal circumstances but fate bought us together by chance and now here we are.

Most of us will tend to go back to a platform like Tinder because we like the feeling of knowing we could have anyone we wanted, it’s a feel good factor and big confidence boost seeing all the people who’ve liked you that you then choose to disregard 80% of just because you can. But honestly, Tinder is not a good place to find a rebound!

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The ‘ick’

Now I’ve got the ‘ick’ it isn’t going to go away.

I suddenly realised about 4 minutes into having sex with you that I really wasn’t into it, I felt like I’d made a mistake and I hadn’t felt like that before, at least not with you anyway.

You kissed me and I felt absolutely nothing, for once I didn’t want to rip your clothes off, normally I’d be dying to feel your body on me as soon as you touched me. But it was different this time.

But I done it anyway … I acted as if you kissing my neck and pulling my hair was turning me on, but i wasn’t sure it was and yet I still let it carry on, probably because I wanted to find out where my head was at.

I think I realised as soon as you kissed me that I didn’t like the way you tasted anymore, I didn’t want to run my nails across your back and through your hair. I realised I didn’t want you, I wanted him.

I this what using someone feels like? If it is, then it’s awful. How guys can do it with no second thought whatsoever I really don’t know.

Right then and there you were literally just a body to me, for that brief 5 minutes I didn’t even think of you as someone I’d known for years, I was looking at you as if I’d never have to see you again and that isn’t how I want to see my best friend.

Our movements were awkward and disjointed, I wonder if you felt what I felt. Is that why it was so bad? The connection we normally had just seemed to have disappeared.

Maybe you knew I wasn’t responding the way that I normally do.

Maybe it’s because a week ago you had me convincing your girlfriend you’re not cheating on her and now here we are again naked in your bed, but it’s not cheating right? No of course it isn’t.

Well you know what, now I’ve been put off there won’t be another time. Maybe now I feel like you’ve lost the respect you had for me this isn’t what I want.

Once us women get the ‘ick’ it doesn’t go away. It’s something that happens suddenly and sometimes for no reason at all, but once our head switches into ‘ick’ mode there’s no saving that (sorry guys)

Someone who we’ve been craving for weeks can suddenly seem like the most off putting outcome and we can’t do anything to change it.

The sexual chemistry has gone … but I’m talking like 1000 miles down the road kind of gone.

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Attachment Theory

Theres this theory, about girls forming these instant attachments to people they sleep with and in part, for some women, I can say that that’s methodically untrue.

However, I’ve come to realise that for me, this most definitely IS true. I guess it’s why I’m so fussy with who I sleep with. I don’t like forming attachments, so therefore I’ll avoid the activity that makes me create them in the first place.

Makes sense I think?

I guess it also explains why I go a bit crazy for someone after I’ve slept with them, all of a sudden I’ll think I’m in love, even if I’ve just had the worst sex of my life, I’ll still be in love at the end of it, who knew that someone could fall in love in the space of 3 minutes! That, combined with the fact I have an inability to see more than one person at a time just leads to disaster!

I know a lot of my friends who will causally date a few people at once until one of them becomes official, but I can’t do that. I get blind sided by connections I build with someone  and to be honest, I don’t have enough of me to give to more than one person at a time (which I think is a good think for the guys who manage to get me into bed).

But you know what, us girls should really learn to stop putting ourselves down for “catching feelings” like ok, you didn’t want to have feelings for him, now all of a sudden after doing ‘the deed’ you feel like you love him. So what? It’s actually a primitive instinct … yes, I’ve looked into it, partly because I love psychology and partly. because I wanted to make sure there was a logical reason behind my crazy levels.

Back in the caveman days, people would have sex when they found their forever person, that person would be the one they made a home with, caught out food with, made a family with etc etc, you get the point …. so instinctively once we have sex with someone due to the chemicals that get released into our brain, we assume that this person is going to be who we’re with for the rest of our lives and not only that, but also help us build a life with them … I think that’s actually pretty cute!

So what if all this beating ourselves up over “getting too attached” is just going against what’s innately built into our heads? Some people say humans aren’t meant to be monogamous, but I disagree, we just need to embrace the way of the penguin and accept that it’s ok not to want someone to go anywhere once they’ve seen us naked …..

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The handkerchief approach

So what’s the handkerchief approach…. and I need to point out that this should not be confused with the ‘handkerchief code’, that’s totally different. Google it if you’re interested.

The Handkerchief Approach:

Have you ever heard about how women back in the Victorian era would drop a handkerchief on the floor as they walk past a guy on the street that they like the look of? The idea was that the man would then pick it up and chase after her to return it and which would result in them then being engaged in a conversation. ultimately this worked because the guy felt like he was doing the woman a favour ….

Back then it seems that women weren’t sat around waiting for men to approach them, they were out finding the ones they liked the look of and then making sure they got them by doing something about it. Nowadays us girls sit in bars and wait for the guys we like the look of to approach us, when the harsh reality is, they probably won’t.

Do you know who approaches you in a bar? The idiot …. the idiot you keep moaning about attracting.

The idiot approaches you because he’s had a lot of practice, he doesn’t care about being rejected because out of all of the women he’ll approach that evening, there is bound to be one that won’t reject him. But I’ll tell you a secret …. the idiot is always out with a group of friends and they’re the ones not going round approaching as many women as possible, needless to say they’re the ones you actually want to speak to but luckily for you, the idiot has given you a way in!

Men like to feel needed, so play this to your advantage. The guy you actually want to come over to you while you’re out, most likely won’t because he’s not an idiot. Make it easy for him, give him some eye contact and let him know you’ve seen him, even better …. smile at him! A smile goes a long way.

If you want to attract the guys you actually want, then you need to adapt the handkerchief approach and make it into something you can do in this era. Maybe you’re ordering all your friends drinks at the bar and you can’t carry them all? Well conveniently the hot guy you’ve been checking out all evening is stood right next to you while you’re ordering … you may as well just ask for his help right?

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I’ve missed your name on my phone

When I see your name pop up on my phone my stomach does this weird flip thing … it’s not the same reaction as I used to have, when I used to see your name come up on my phone I’d immediately smile. You’d be messaging me because you’d be thinking about me during the course of your day and that was cute.

Now I’m not sure what the point is. What’s the point of these occasional checks in’s you do? It’s as though you still want contact with me, but only on your terms, or just when you fancy it. We’ll go months without speaking and then you’ll come back again as if nothing has happened.

Was taking to me all day every day too much for you? Did you get bored? These days I’d be happy to leave you on read and not rush to respond, but that’s not how it used to be. I’d be dying to respond to you immediately, because I’d love our conversations.

A lot of the discussion around messaging people these days caters to the exact opposite of what it actually is, which is just a digital form of communication and communication happens when we want to build or salvage a connection.

Nowadays it seems more like a sort of zero-sum game where the winner is the one sought-after and the loser is the one doing the seeking. This is a game measured by empty arrows, read receipts, time stamps and so on, which, make no mistake, the creators of these messaging apps are well aware of.

I don’t want to be a winner or loser in this situation, to me there is no game to be played here. Are you messaging because you’re questioning how you feel and you want to somehow reaffirm something? Is it just a message to see if any response is achieved? And once you get a response …. then what? Will you go back to your own life again, the one where I’m not a feature.

Or maybe your name is popping back up on my phone because you’ve missed the communication, maybe you miss me? Maybe you want to know if I miss you too?

But you know how I know I’m no longer bothered? I’ll double message you …. when I actually care I get so worried about someones opinions and them thinking I’m needy, I avoid sending two messages in one go at all costs, like excessive communication with someone you genuinely care about is a bad thing (how ridiculous) but surely it’s good to feel needed?

So yes, I’ve missed seeing you name pop up on my phone, but now it’s back again I’ve realised I didn’t actually miss it in the way I thought I would at all.

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The Almost’s

The hardest thing about loving ourselves is that we’re letting so many people have the power to give us reasons not to.

So many times we’ve given other people the ability to make us feel not quite good enough and we’ve ultimately led to our own downfall, even if we try blaming others.

But what if we took that control back? What if suddenly the power we thought other people had to make us feel wanted and valued actually belonged with us, we wouldn’t lose sleep over how we were impacting others because all we would be focusing on is how we’re impacting our own lives.

We all still seem to be healing from an almost relationship, a friend with benefits, a three night stand, or a summer fling. We keep searching for closure and looking for answers from the person that broke our hearts, when really we gave it to them before they even deserved it. A lot of us are struggling to move on from an old love like we were dumped, even though we were never given the label of boyfriend or girlfriend.

So what are we actually struggling to move on from? Because an almost relationship isn’t worth getting heart broken over and it definitely isn’t worth losing your sense of calm.

A very wise person in my life said something to me recently which has resonated:

It’s bad enough that people we spend years with have an impact on our lives, but letting somebody I’ve known for less time then I’ve owned a toothbrush affect me, that’s not ok

How many of us have been on dates that result in that person choosing not to reply to your messages, but will stalk your social media? All of a sudden it seems to affect your head way more than it should do, why has someone who’s relatively a stranger suddenly got the ability to control your state of mind? Let’s be honest, a month from now you probably won’t even remember their name anyway.

Or even that person you’ve been “dating” for a month or so, it was never official so you shouldn’t really have invested that much of your mental energy into it. But yet here you are wondering if you should message them, hoping they’re bothered by that picture you uploaded with another guy etc etc …. ultimately the only person who’s thinking about it loads, is you.

We spend hours deciphering texts, ranting to friends and over thinking message responses over someone who just doesn’t care. They’ve never introduced you to their grandparents or bothered to learn when your birthday is or in some cases even bothered to make plans with you more than once. So what’s the big deal?

If you take a second to sit back and think about it, it seems as though we’ve stopped entering serious relationships, but we haven’t stopped getting our hearts broken, or at the absolute minimum, we haven’t stopped letting it having a serious affect on the way we think about ourselves. It seems a shame that we’re letting others around us control our energy that much.

And on that note, I think we all need to try and focus more on our own actions and how they impact our moods rather than focusing on how other people are making us feel. Especially people who ultimately end up playing a very unimportant role in the story of our lives, people who are fleeting and unimportant, people who ten years from now when you recall the most memorable and important events of your life ….. won’t even make the top 100 things to reminisce about.