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He’s just a friend

He’s just a friend you keep telling yourself.

You aren’t bothered when he doesn’t immediately respond to your messages, you aren’t bothered when he compliments someone else over you, you aren’t bothered by the fact you don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.

He’s just a friend, so why would you be bothered?

Because he’s your friend your stomach doesn’t flip when he messages you, you’re used to seeing his name on your phone, you message each other every day out of routine, not because your worlds would fall apart without each other.

You two being friends means you don’t get jealous when he’s talking to you about the new girl he’s seeing, you don’t care. As his friend you care about when it’s going wrong with someone who loves him, you don’t want him to get hurt because you’d do anything for him … but that’s how everyone feels about all their friends right? You’d go to the ends of the earth for them and back again, if it meant they wouldn’t have to get hurt by someone.

As his friend, you know where you stand. There are no crossed boundaries or blurred lines. You stand on one side and he firmly stands on the other. Everything is just easy and uncomplicated like that.

Because you’re friends, you know he loves you and you know that anyone you date will see that too but remain undeterred, it won’t bother them because they’ll see that your friendship is straight forward.

The two of you being so close means that you can run to him when the other guys you trust hurt you. You know that when he wraps his arms around you and holds you that there’s nothing in it, because the two of you are just friends.

You don’t wish that he was the one you’d been with in the first place, because you know that he would never hurt you the way some of the others have done, because you’d never cross a line like that. Complicating things is messy and no one likes messy.

Except …..

None of that is true.

And trust me, no one will get it.

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Benefits without the friendship

I think Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis had it nailed down. No emotions, no relationship, just sex. It’s easy, you get what you want and best of all there are no expectations what so ever!

Being on a country leaving countdown makes things a bit complicated for me, like there’s no point getting to know someone from scratch, the effort of going through that phase of shit sex while you “get to know what each other like” is just boring.

If I wanted to get into a relationship with someone and really invest in them, then it’s worth going through that phase, but not when you don’t want to get into anything serious because you know you’re leaving the country in a matter of months.

It’s easier to revert to something (or someone should I say) that you feel familiar with. Being in a situation where you both know what makes each other tick, means that sex has the inability to be bad (thank god), you both get what you want and then carry on about your day. Sounds easy.

But it’s only easy if you both want the same thing … absolutely nothing. You can’t have someone as your go to for sex if they’re getting emotionally involved.

When I leave the country in 4 months time, I don’t want someone asking me not to leave. I want to be able to go with no complications and knowing I’ve kept my life as easy as possible, so maybe that means sticking to sleeping with one person for 4 months? Someone that I don’t have to try too hard around? I just want to focus on myself and I guess it would be handy to have a guaranteed shag when I want it from now until I leave.

Friends with benefits is a rubbish term, I mean who actually wants to be friends with someone they have “benefits” with? You just need to know they can get you off, not what their plans are for the week and if they want to go for dinner.

So the less emotional involvement the better. No emotions, no relationship, just sex.

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Monogamy, or not?


Monogamy is a funny thing and nowadays it’s almost the norm to expect people to cheat.

Did you know the human race isn’t built to be monogamous anyway? It’s social conditioning, or maybe we’re all just really bad at sharing?

No I’m kidding, once something (sorry I mean someone) is mine, if anyone else comes for it, I go into some kind of enraged meltdown.

But the older I get, the more I’ve seen examples of how men just lack the skills to be monogamous, they can love someone to the ends of the earth, but when faced with temptation they will very rarely say no (I’m not going to consider that I could be the problem obviously)

Us women aren’t exactly innocent either, even some of my closest friends have trouble not window shopping even after bagging the man of their dreams.

It’s almost as if you get to a certain time frame within a relationship and can’t help but test the waters.

I find it very hard to relate to this, but I think that’s because I can’t focus my attention on more than one person at a time, when a guy has my attention they have it all. I think that’s maybe why I struggle so much when they aren’t the same. But it takes a very special individual to get my undivided attention like that.

On the other hand, I’ve had guys cheat on me and with me … so I’ve literally seen it from every angle.

So can we remain monogamous once we decide that someone is the one for us? Or should open relationships be more of a socially acceptable norm, some people are convinced that open relationships are actually the key to keeping two people together long term.

Personally, I couldn’t do it. Knowing the person I’m in bed with was touching someone else the way they touch me? Ugh no thanks, it makes my skin crawl!

But I do get it, I get the appeal.

Maybe not being locked down to one person to fulfil all of your needs is clever, you could absolutely adore the ground someone walks on, but sleeping with other people is what makes you appreciate them all the more?

I’m all for monogamy, unless the person I want is in a relationship …. then maybe I’ll overlook it, as it’s benefiting me (yep, narcissistic and awful I know, what can you do?)

All I can say really is good luck to the women out there who think their boyfriend or husband doesn’t have the ability to cheat, because he’s probably texting you telling you he misses you as he’s climbing out of bed with another woman, that he’s just spent all night having sex with and trust me when I say he didn’t miss you then (sorry not sorry)

And for everyone embracing an “open relationship” the only advice on this I can offer is to make sure you’re both aware that it’s open …

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You’ll get pushed away

There’s something built into me, almost like a reflex, something I can’t control. I’ll push you away. when you try and get too close I will automatically push you away, it’s just what I do.

When you think you’ve got me figured out, I’ll do something weird and it will be because I don’t want you to know me.

Your “I know what you’re really like” messages stir something up inside me that make me want to change my name and move to a different country, because I don’t want you to know what I’m really like. I actually don’t think anyone deserves to know.

So this is me pre warning you, the closer you get to me, the harder I’ll push back on you. The more intense my mood swings will be. The closer you try to get to me, the less I’ll want you.

I don’t want you to “know the real me” because the real me is turbulent, I’m constantly looking for something better and ultimately, I’ll want to replace you and once you find that out, you should want to walk away.

I get easily bored of people who act as if they know me. You don’t. I’ll carefully choose small pieces of information to divulge to you so you feel like I’m opening up, but I’m not. I’m just giving you enough to make you want to stick around for the amount of time I actually want to keep you.

Just when you feel like you’ve got me sussed, I’ll push you away. Just like I do with all the others and I’m not even sorry.

So come prepared and make sure you’re wearing adequate padding for when you hit the floor after I’ve given you a shove.

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He Might Be ….

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If you can’t imagine introducing him to your family then honestly, what are you wasting your time for?

You might really like him, the sex might be great but when you think of him being around your family you suddenly get a sinking feeling, as if you know that he isn’t what they would want for you. You know your family would want you to be with someone who isn’t afraid to be soppy with you around them, because you know they would be happy to see that someone loves you as much as they do.

So if he’s afraid of physical affection in any way shape or form, is he really the one for you? Don’t get me wrong, PDA is massively off-putting, however, its nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s just in private. If you don’t feel wanted, how can you think that he’s for you?

As someone who is massively family orientated, I will always care about what my family think of my significant other. Which is why I avoid introducing them to anyone until I’m certain about how I feel and I know who they are. No one likes explaining to their parents why someone they were with a week ago at the family BBQ has now done a disappearing act.

So seriously, if you can’t imagine him stood beside you with an affectionate arm around your waist at family events, from BBQ’s to children’s birthdays, from weddings to funerals, then WHY ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME?!

You might not be able to focus your attention on anyone else right now, because although he’s a twat, you’re a little bit lust obsessed. But that’s ok, as long as you can acknowledged he is not someone that you should even imagine a future with.

You might love sleeping next to him, but if he isn’t rolling over to spoon you every now and then, or to put your head on his chest to make sure you’re still laying there with him, then you might as well be sleeping alone, because despite him being there, you feel as though he isn’t.

If you’re revelling in the fact that he’s been giving you undivided attention for the last few months (since his last disappearing act) make sure you remember how you feel when he does go back to his old habits … you know, the ones that you’re mysteriously missed out of. Because as nice as his attention is, someone who will be consistent for you, will be better in the long run.

So enjoy him while you can, because he’s not the one you’re supposed to be with forever.

He’s not the one you want to introduce to your family and he’s not the one who treats you how you expected the love of your life to treat you. But he’s fun and he’s easy to talk to, you have things in common, but not enough to make your parents approve of him.

He might be good looking, but if he isn’t willing to show you any affection in front of his friends or your friends, then you need to find someone better, someone who doesn’t want to keep their hands off you, but who knows you well enough to understand that you’re not a fan of PDA, so all they have to do is tell you they cant wait to get you alone later and that will make your day.

If he isn’t loving you the way you want him to, it’s probably a blessing in disguise.

So when he ghosts on you again, remember he is not the one you want forever. So you might as well let him disappear, as long as you’re not going to let him come back again (for the fourth time).

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What Makes Them Memorable

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We all have people continuously walking in and out of our lives, some stay for longer than others and some we create memories with that will stay with us for a life time.

But this isn’t a soppy reminiscent kind of post, this is more of a look back on certain events shared between two people that makes them stand out above all the others who you fleetingly give your attention to.

This post is going to require some feedback, so I’ll wait for you to tell me what you think about this, I know you get an ego boost every time I write about you and besides, you requested a list a couple of months back and while I hate to disappoint, I love a delayed reaction.

Three years worth of memories folded down into one blog post, it’s not necessarily only good things we remember about people, sometimes their biggest flaws and wort traits are what makes them stand out in our minds so much.

I’ll always remember the time we sat down for dinner with my family, you showed up late and then preceded to brag for about 10 minutes about how you’d been hit on at the dentists earlier that day and how lucky I should feel that I’m the one that gets to have you on a daily basis. You were simply wrapping the pedestal I’d put you on in gold. My bad.

I remember how much you liked when I had my nails painted red, in fact you liked it so much, that when I didn’t have them painted in your favourite colour and you saw someone else who did, you’d make subtle digs at how nice their nails looked, these other women who you made we so wary of, as if they all wanted to rip your clothes off and fuck you as soon as my back was turned and you’d avoid commenting on the fact that I’d made an effort for you, to make sure I looked the best I could for us to spend time with your friends, the friends who hated me. My nails were pink, but that didn’t deserve your compliments.

I look at you now and I wonder, if you hadn’t given me such a confidence knock, maybe I’d be more settled.

Maybe this wasn’t quite the list of things you expected, but I never expected you to turn into everything you promised you wouldn’t.

I found out this year that your best mate is a better kisser than you by the way, he seems to have his shit together more than you do as well, he has a better car, his own place and owns his responsibility. While you’re out there shagging everything that moves (good to know nothings changed) and pretending like you’re half functional.

We made out in his car and I couldn’t help but think of you, that’s probably messed up. I didn’t sleep with him because I knew me and you we’re going to get caught up again and we did.

Those three hours we’re exactly how I remember and I don’t think I need to clarify what I mean by that.

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It’s not your job to fix her

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when she tells you that she’s broken, it isn’t her inviting you to try and fix her.

it’s more of a warning signal, she wants you to know that while you date she may do some out of character, stupid shit. But it’s because she doesn’t trust people in the way most others do, she approaches everyone with caution, she tests people and she will provoke you to hurt her, but you shouldn’t. Even when she tries to push you away, you should try your hardest not to leave.

When the last one shattered her heart in the cruelest way you could think of, she became an altered version of herself. She didn’t feel whole anymore. She took some time to herself to make sure she felt like she could be a whole person again, by herself.

And now you’re here … she want’s you to stay but can’t figure out how to tell you without making herself vulnerable (the one thing she fears above everything else) so instead, she tells you she’s broken. She want’s you to understand that in this new form she cant express how much she loves someone in the way you expect her to. She shows love in the form of jealousy and while that may annoy you, it’s the only way she knows how.

When she tests you and tells you that she doesn’t care that you flirt with other girls … she does. But she constantly goes after proof that you won’t.

For her to believe that you won’t do what the others have done, you’ll have to tread carefully. And above everything else, you shouldn’t try and fix how she’s become, because this is her new normal.

All she knows are lies and belittling comments, so she waits for something negative to spill from your mouth after you compliment her. She’ll be scared to tell you she disagrees with you because she doesn’t want you to be angry and hold it against her until you find a way of getting her back.

Even though you may want to try, it’s not your job to try and fix her. She doesn’t want to be fixed, she just wants someone to accept the version of herself she currently is.