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Monogamy, or not?


Monogamy is a funny thing and nowadays it’s almost the norm to expect people to cheat.

Did you know the human race isn’t built to be monogamous anyway? It’s social conditioning, or maybe we’re all just really bad at sharing?

No I’m kidding, once something (sorry I mean someone) is mine, if anyone else comes for it, I go into some kind of enraged meltdown.

But the older I get, the more I’ve seen examples of how men just lack the skills to be monogamous, they can love someone to the ends of the earth, but when faced with temptation they will very rarely say no (I’m not going to consider that I could be the problem obviously)

Us women aren’t exactly innocent either, even some of my closest friends have trouble not window shopping even after bagging the man of their dreams.

It’s almost as if you get to a certain time frame within a relationship and can’t help but test the waters.

I find it very hard to relate to this, but I think that’s because I can’t focus my attention on more than one person at a time, when a guy has my attention they have it all. I think that’s maybe why I struggle so much when they aren’t the same. But it takes a very special individual to get my undivided attention like that.

On the other hand, I’ve had guys cheat on me and with me … so I’ve literally seen it from every angle.

So can we remain monogamous once we decide that someone is the one for us? Or should open relationships be more of a socially acceptable norm, some people are convinced that open relationships are actually the key to keeping two people together long term.

Personally, I couldn’t do it. Knowing the person I’m in bed with was touching someone else the way they touch me? Ugh no thanks, it makes my skin crawl!

But I do get it, I get the appeal.

Maybe not being locked down to one person to fulfil all of your needs is clever, you could absolutely adore the ground someone walks on, but sleeping with other people is what makes you appreciate them all the more?

I’m all for monogamy, unless the person I want is in a relationship …. then maybe I’ll overlook it, as it’s benefiting me (yep, narcissistic and awful I know, what can you do?)

All I can say really is good luck to the women out there who think their boyfriend or husband doesn’t have the ability to cheat, because he’s probably texting you telling you he misses you as he’s climbing out of bed with another woman, that he’s just spent all night having sex with and trust me when I say he didn’t miss you then (sorry not sorry)

And for everyone embracing an “open relationship” the only advice on this I can offer is to make sure you’re both aware that it’s open …

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The Almost’s

The hardest thing about loving ourselves is that we’re letting so many people have the power to give us reasons not to.

So many times we’ve given other people the ability to make us feel not quite good enough and we’ve ultimately led to our own downfall, even if we try blaming others.

But what if we took that control back? What if suddenly the power we thought other people had to make us feel wanted and valued actually belonged with us, we wouldn’t lose sleep over how we were impacting others because all we would be focusing on is how we’re impacting our own lives.

We all still seem to be healing from an almost relationship, a friend with benefits, a three night stand, or a summer fling. We keep searching for closure and looking for answers from the person that broke our hearts, when really we gave it to them before they even deserved it. A lot of us are struggling to move on from an old love like we were dumped, even though we were never given the label of boyfriend or girlfriend.

So what are we actually struggling to move on from? Because an almost relationship isn’t worth getting heart broken over and it definitely isn’t worth losing your sense of calm.

A very wise person in my life said something to me recently which has resonated:

It’s bad enough that people we spend years with have an impact on our lives, but letting somebody I’ve known for less time then I’ve owned a toothbrush affect me, that’s not ok

How many of us have been on dates that result in that person choosing not to reply to your messages, but will stalk your social media? All of a sudden it seems to affect your head way more than it should do, why has someone who’s relatively a stranger suddenly got the ability to control your state of mind? Let’s be honest, a month from now you probably won’t even remember their name anyway.

Or even that person you’ve been “dating” for a month or so, it was never official so you shouldn’t really have invested that much of your mental energy into it. But yet here you are wondering if you should message them, hoping they’re bothered by that picture you uploaded with another guy etc etc …. ultimately the only person who’s thinking about it loads, is you.

We spend hours deciphering texts, ranting to friends and over thinking message responses over someone who just doesn’t care. They’ve never introduced you to their grandparents or bothered to learn when your birthday is or in some cases even bothered to make plans with you more than once. So what’s the big deal?

If you take a second to sit back and think about it, it seems as though we’ve stopped entering serious relationships, but we haven’t stopped getting our hearts broken, or at the absolute minimum, we haven’t stopped letting it having a serious affect on the way we think about ourselves. It seems a shame that we’re letting others around us control our energy that much.

And on that note, I think we all need to try and focus more on our own actions and how they impact our moods rather than focusing on how other people are making us feel. Especially people who ultimately end up playing a very unimportant role in the story of our lives, people who are fleeting and unimportant, people who ten years from now when you recall the most memorable and important events of your life ….. won’t even make the top 100 things to reminisce about.

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What We’ve Learnt From Previous Relationships

Looking back at past experiences where love was once involved can sometimes be quite daunting. It can be scary thinking about the past and how it’s lead you to where you are now.

I’ve seen a countless number of my friends go through break ups that have had them crying their eyes out but ultimately ending up feeling stronger at the end of it. I’ve known the person who has walked away and I’ve also known the person who’s been walked away from and seeing it from both sides makes it easier to understand why people do what they do. One thing I have learnt is that no one ever breaks someone’s heart spur of the moment, normally it’s been lots of little events that have driven them to that defining point (either that or one of you has just been a total prick to the other person)

I’ve been in relationships where I feel unsure about whether or not I should stay or leave. I’ve had to ask myself if I should I stay just because I feel like it’s the right thing to do, or if I want to stay because I love them despite the fact I know they’re not treating me how they should.

We’ve all learnt things from our previous relationships and here’s a list of things people have told me they’ve learnt from their ex loves. Some things that may help others and some that they just wanted to get off their chest when it comes to talking about the shit part of a relationship… the end:

1. Even when you don’t want to walk away, you should always listen to your gut instinct … sometimes it’s telling you things your heart doesn’t want to hear.

2. A cheat is always a cheat, it doesn’t matter how much you believe they will change for you. They won’t.

3. Your friends will see their flaws way before you do. Sometimes you should try and see things from their point of view. Being blind sided by someone fucking sucks.

4. If they move on quicker than you after you break up, it isn’t something you should take personally, just shows their true colours.

5. Sometimes people want to be in a relationship so bad they will become an altered version of themselves to please you. But that charade won’t last forever!

6. Getting under someone to get over someone is perfectly acceptable! Never feel ashamed for wanting to experience other people.

7. Be with someone who’s also your best friend. They’ll never be the person who keeps you awake at night worrying about what their doing.

8. Attraction alone won’t keep two people together for very long. A relationship needs to be so much more than that.

9. Without having both trust and communication within a relationship you’ll never be able to grow together and if you can’t grow together, where’s your future?

10. Ultimately love must be ABSOLUTE trust. A relationship without trust is like a phone without signal, all you end up doing is playing games.

11. Trying to change the person you’re with is a pretty big red flag that you’re probably not with the right person in the first place.

12. Hustle together! If you’re both driven towards goals for a shared future, very few things will be able to shake that.

13. A mutual respect for each other as individual people is very important. You don’t need to be glued at the hip 24/7 to show you love each other.

14. Ultimately, if they’re going to cheat. Nothing you can do or say will stop them. You can check their phone if you want but it won’t prevent their actions.

15. Make sure you love yourself before you try and love anyone else. Sounds cheesy, but the more you care about others opinions the more it can effect your relationship.

16. You think you know love, but that heartache you get when they leave. That’s the love, sucks but it’s true.

17. Lust is NOT love. Infatuation is not long term and that fire will burn you at some point.

18. There is no right way to handle a break up. Do not let your friends or family make you feel bad about how you’re processing your own emotions. You wanna shag a dude …. you shag a dude!

19. Feeling lonely when they’re sat right beside you is far worse than actually being alone. If they make you feel like that, you’re better of by yourself.

20. Women talk. If you upset them their whole circle of friends will know. Be prepared to apologise to more than one female when you’re in a relationship.

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You Deserve Better (This Was Not Written By James Arthur)

He’s treating you like an option and you deserve better than that. You know it, I know it and let’s be honest, he probably does too.

But you’re letting him get away with treating you like a disposable nappy, you are not disposable and you are most definitely not a nappy … the only one full of shit around here is him. You think you’re done and then you’ll get a message from him saying he misses you, or that his current girlfriend is ok but she’ll never be you.

On that part, he’s right, she never will be you … you’re a whole different person to her, made up of totally different atoms, but that doesn’t mean that you’re better than she is (sorry). If you were everything he wanted, he would be with you. But he isn’t is he? The only time he’s really ‘present’ for you is when he wants to have sex with you.

You guys might have history, but it’s just that, it’s history. And do you want to know what the definition of history is?

History: the study of past events, particularly in human affairs. Or in our personal lives, we can view it as the whole series of past events connected with a particular person or thing.

Your history is your past and it’s what makes you, well …. you. But your history has no right to define your future. You do not need to keep letting your past come back and bite you in the arse, or in this case grab it. We learn wonderful things from our past experiences, they shape us into wiser people, even when those experiences are difficult and maybe suck. Ultimately you’ll always grow from what you’ve been through so try and embrace it.

So, to my beautiful friends who find themselves reading this and thinking ‘oh god she’s writing about me’ maybe I am, but only because I want you to know that everyone who is currently in your life brining positive elements to you, love you in a way that he never will do.

Don’t text him back just because you feel lonely and he gives you a sense of familiarity, don’t get upset when you see pictures of him with the girl who has taken your space … you didn’t want it remember? If anything, you’re looking at the girl you gave your space to because you outgrew it. You outgrew him and you’ll continue to do so, through the things that you experience that have nothing to do with the version of yourself you were when you guys were together.

Getting over someone is hard, but it gets easier. I’ll be honest, years down the line you may suddenly be struck by some painful memories of being with that person and normally this happens when you least expect it, when you’re with someone else, happily getting on with your own life. But … you’re no longer thinking about them every day, you’re no longer wishing you were with them and you sure as hell don’t wish you were still together. The person they were when you first fell in love is no longer there, they’ve changed as well and trust me, you don’t want that person. The one who no longer adores you and treats you with respect. Memories can be bitter sweet but everyone has them!

So here’s a tip I’ve used repeatedly when trying to get over someone who I never thought I would:

1.Think of 5 negative situations you were in with them at some point during your relationship, this should be situations where they’ve made you feel less yourself, or angry or hurt.

2.Think about the whole event that made you feel like that and replay it in your head.

3.Think of each of those five situations three times over and again. Any time you feel yourself missing them, try this!

It will gradually reprogram your brain slightly and those rose tinted glasses that you were seeing them through will suddenly become much clearer.

You’re welcome!

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Next Year

Next year I’m not going to chase anyone.

I’m not going to let arse holes walk in and out of my life as and when they please. If you want me stay, if you don’t then leave. Don’t ghost for a month or so and then pop back up on my phone like nothing happened, I’m not down for that kind of attitude thanks.

I’m not going to stand for anyone giving me half assed efforts, either give me all of you or just sod off. I won’t be standing for time wasters, or people who aren’t sure what they want. Don’t be a cop out. Be sure about wanting me and if you are sure, then tell me there’s nothing sexier than confidence. I know far too many people who have told me too late how they feel, don’t wait for tomorrow or the next day. If you have something to say, then say it.

In all honesty, deep down everyone does really know who they want and who they don’t. They just get scared to tell the truth. But if you can’t be honest with me then I don’t want to know, honesty is what builds the solid foundations of a relationship, something which I didn’t learn from my last experience of being with someone.

Next year I won’t be going on second dates with people I don’t instantly feel a spark with, I won’t wait around to see if it’s something that could build into being beautiful or not, I won’t be wasting my own time like that again like I’ve done this year.

Next year, I’m going to try not to put the nice guys as second best, the ones that treat me with respect. I will not go back to dating fuck boys.

Next year will be different, next year will be a me year. When I get back into my fitness regime and looking after myself better, I’ll replace Wednesday night dates with Wednesday night PT sessions and late night last minute plans to early nights and more time spent at home chilling out.

I can’t wait for next year year.

*insert ironic standard new year new me quote here, not really … I’m not that person*

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The ‘Maybe’ Guy

Maybe he’s busy?

Maybe he’s not ready for a girlfriend?

Maybe he’s just a bit stressed at the moment?

Maybe I just wasn’t pretty enough for him?

I think maybe he prefers blondes?

Maybe I was a bit much for him?

You know what … maybe he’s just a prick?

So he doesn’t want to commit and you’re happy to sit around waiting for him to change his mind? For goodness sake … no you’re not happy to do that!

Your mum didn’t spend 9 months growing you for you to waste your life, waiting around for someone who isn’t treating you like the total queen that you are.

He hasn’t messaged you all day, you think he’s busy? No, if he wanted to speak to you it doesn’t matter how busy he is, he will find a way. That’s how men are, they go after what they want and clearly if you’re not seeing any effort he doesn’t want you or not enough to actively do anything about it anyway. Stop checking in on a person who does not check. in on you, you’re wasting your time. Find someone that will appreciate your concern.

If the effort isn’t there then know your worth, someone else is out there waiting to treat you how you should be treated, so please stop wasting your time on this ‘maybe guy’.

We’ve all been there, we get totally obsessed with the wrong person, normally it’s the one who has no time for us unless we’re naked. You find yourself looking at your phone more and getting butterflies when you see his name pop up (because it hasn’t popped up for the last week despite you messaging him).

Sometimes we just have to learn when enough is enough, we have to figure out when to archive their chats and unsave their names in our phones. He hasn’t treated you right, but to someone else out there you’re everything they’ve ever wanted.

Go and find a hobby that helps you grown as a person, that gives you more to talk about and gets you meeting new people, instead of sitting looking at your phone, checking to see if he’s watched your story or opened your snapchat … there are bigger and better things in this world than him.

You are a bigger and better person than he is, so do this for you. Not him.

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Dating Etiquette

How much easier would life be if dating came with a rule book?

Sadly it doesn’t, but surely there’s a generalised set of rules we can all go off … right?

1. Try not to turn up drunk. But if you do have a glass of wine (or five) beforehand try to do your make up first … no one wants dodgy eyeliner!

2. Be available .. but not too available. Well what does that even mean? I’m not even sure, but if you’re too keen they’ll leave and if you’re too unavailable and they’ll also leave.

3. Don’t sleep with any of their friends. Yeah I know … apparently that isn’t the right thing to do, who knew?

4. On the first date explain why you wouldn’t make good girlfriend material, if it doesn’t put them off then there’s clearly something wrong with them, so you probably should avoid seeing them again.

5. If they seem really in to you, again there’s probably something wrong with them. Best way to combat this? Flirt with someone else in front of their face.

6. If they put minimum effort in to see you and only speak to you when they want to have sex … then they are most DEFINITELY into you. Never stop trying to talk to them. Triple text if you have to.

7. Go out with them for a nice dinner and accidentally drink so much that you’re sick on them. This is a fool proof tactic in the game of love.

8. Get their number from one of their friends rather than them, guys love knowing how keen you are to get hold of their personal details.

9. Break up with him but then get super jealous when he finds someone that actually wants to be with him. Make sure to stalk his new girlfriends social media for added effect.

10. Above all, always make sure he knows that he is not allowed to show any kind of public display of affection towards you, you wouldn’t want people knowing you’re together. Eurgh.

If you haven’t already gathered, I do not actually want you to follow most of the above advice it’s purely there as a joke highlight some of the crazy shit a lot of us girls do, but only when it’s actually written down do we realise how mental it really sounds.

Happy dating everyone ….