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Try Not To Need Them

 

 

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Once you feel like you need them you’ve already lost a little part of you.

Remember that confident independent young woman who used to stare back at you in the mirror, the one who would put red lipstick on before a night out and didn’t have to fake a brave face? You would head out, ready to pull the strings of the numerous men you had dangling from your fingertips, the ones who would do anything for you in the blink of an eye.

But now it’s different, because as soon as you felt like you needed someone other than yourself. You lost that part of you that felt indestructible.

He spent years making you feel like you could get anything you ever wanted from him, he wanted to be your everything and you were reluctant because you had your own life and you very much had your shit together. You didn’t want to need him the way he wanted you to.

But without you even realising, suddenly it happened, you didn’t want to be around anyone other than him. All of a sudden he had turned into your lover, your best friend, your family and everything in between. You pushed everyone else away because you believed him when he said he was going to be your whole world.

But being the whole world is a heavy job and he didn’t realise how much pressure that would put on him, so maybe he didn’t mean it, maybe getting you to push everyone away except him wasn’t intentional. Maybe when he walked away and left you with nothing, he didn’t mean it.

Needing him in the way you did, meant that when he finally walked away from everything he had promised you, you didn’t even know who you were anymore. You would look in the mirror and not even recognise yourself  because he wasn’t there and without him, what were you? Having someone there who has given you everything, means that when they decide to walk away they leave you with nothing.

After an experience like that, it’s no wonder you find it so hard to trust people. It’s no wonder you have to fake that brave face when it comes to love and trust.

When someone walks into your life when you least expect it and promises you that they’ll never leave because they are there to be your everything, why wouldn’t you believe them? When it takes them what seems like forever to win you round and make you feel like theres no one else in the world who can give you what they do, why would you even waste a second thinking they could be lying?

Having someone walk out on you after promising you all that, leaves you feeling empty and constantly questioning what you did wrong. How did you push away the person who wanted to be everything for you?

But the reality is, it was never your fault. They were always going to leave once you needed them in the way they wanted you to, because they never stopped to consider the pressure that’s created by someone relying on one person for every ounce of happiness they need in life. Convincing someone that they don’t need a life outside of the relationship you’ve created is a dangerous game, but some people enjoy playing with fire.

They wouldn’t have considered how reliant on them you would become once you believed you couldn’t be happy unless you were experiencing everything with them. Being someone’s everything seems ideal, until you actually are.

Two people wanting to be wanted by each other so much at different times only results in confusion and undeniable pressure. A strain that no one can withstand.

So the two of you break.

But you break more because you’re the one that’s lost everything. Who are you now without him? And that’s the problem …. you don’t even know who you are by yourself anymore. So to you, it feels more than just a break up, it feels like your whole life has shattered and disappeared.

You’ll spend years trying to figure out how to be you again once they leave, but you’ll never go back to who you were before. Because that version of you was too quick to believe that people stay forever.

You never stopped to consider the person you pictured yourself marrying would leave and destroy everything behind them that you built together.

He promised he was never going anywhere, even when you argued, he said he was never going to leave. Why would he, when he told you over and over again that the only person you’ll ever need is him. Even when you’re mad at your family, even when your friends let you down, he would be there.

And although the whole experience of needing someone has left you with scars, its taught you an invaluable lesson: love is about being two separate people. Love doesn’t mean turning into one person that’s a morphed version of the two of you. The more you need them, the less you are of yourself and thats who they fell in love with in the first place, they never wanted a mirror image of themselves to love. They want you.

My List Especially For You

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I was supposed to tell you a list of things you’re good at, or things that I like you doing. But I’m a bit of a coward, I can’t tell you. So instead I’ve written this, it isn’t really a list as such, it’s more a long description of why I’m in love with you and I suppose some of these things are also the reasons for me falling in love with you, so here it goes …..

I love how I can tell what mood you’re in by the way you kiss me but not only that, the way you kiss me makes me feel like the most loved person in the world, if I could kiss you all day I would. And trust me I mean that, I find it hard to look at you and not kiss you. The way you hug me so closely when we’re in bed makes me feel like you never want to let me go, I feel safe with your arms around me. You give me butterfly’s when you look at me for too long and I find it amazing that you still give me that crazy nervous feeling, we have been together long enough now for those butterfly’s to have gone away, after all, neither of us are 16 getting flummoxed by our first loves. But that chemistry I can feel between us when we look at each other is such an amazing feeling and I hope it never goes away.
The fact that you know to go straight for my neck when you want to turn me on shows how important it was for you to find out what I like quickly.
I love when you tell me I’m beautiful, because you’re the only person I’ve ever believed who has said that to me.
I love the cheeky look you give me when you want me to know how badly you want to rip my clothes off. I’m sure you don’t know the one I’m talking about, but the way you slightly raise one of your eyebrows and give me a one sided smile .. That’s the look.
Waking up with you though, that may have to be one of my favourite things.

You always reassure me and make sure I’m not doing things to only please other people, which means a lot to me.
I have a real problem staying mad at you, as soon as I look at you I smile. It’s very annoying actually, I can try my absolute hardest to be serious with you but I can’t be. You just make me smile too much.
When I don’t want to do something it’s very easy for you to change my mind and you know it, the way you look at me when you ask me to do something just for you, I’ll fall for it every time and quite happily as well.

I always find myself falling for all the little cheeky things you do, I haven’t yet decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
All those worries you have that I’ll suddenly change my mind about you, Im hoping that when I eventually let you read this it will help to convince you that I won’t be going anywhere.
And I am sorry that I can’t be as open as you want me to be, I’m trying to fix that for you I promise but I get scared you’ll go away. That I’ll pour my heart out to you and then you’ll disappear.
I just don’t want you to break my heart.

Thank You For Breaking My Heart

 

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You were awful, there I said it.

Never have I been treated so badly by anyone in all my life.
But I’m not here pitying myself, I’m actually very happy.
But you … You’re still with her, in that awful poisonous relationship where you both push and test each other, with no trust. I just got thrust into the middle of it all. By complete accident, I caught feelings for you I say ‘caught’ because it seems like a neagative connotation and I’m glad it does, like someone catching an illness I caught feelings for you in a sudden and unexpected way, through all your lies and fake affection and I sadly believed every word you said to me.

While you lay in bed with me telling me how awful she was to you I believed that she really was, just as when you lay with her telling her I was a tragic cock tease she believed you too. You had us wrapped around your little finger.
You made me feel safe. The worst thing you could have ever done, especially as you knew deep down you would never stay, when you took that safety away from me I felt totally broken and vulnerable.
That’s why I hate you .. Not because of the lies and the deception, because you turned me into something I’m not, you made me feel small and weak and I can tell you that I am neither of those things.
It was this ‘illness’ you gave me. It made me feel vulnerable for a while, but now I’ve built my strength back up.
And I’m slowly opening myself up to the possibility of being hurt again.
But I feel fine about it, because it isn’t by you.

I can pity you now, because I’m happy, I’m happy with him.
He makes me laugh and smile in ways you never could. He looks at me in ways that makes me feel so beautiful and he doesn’t feel insecure about thinking I’m beautiful, not like you did.

I’m slowly trusting him, but it’s taking a while because of these new found issues I have.
But all that pain you’ve caused, that’s basically gone, It’s more like a dull ache, one that reminds me not to fall so hard and fast for someone like I did with you.
I hope I fall in love with him, because it would be an honour to feel loved by him.
Like they say, you can’t choose when you get hurt in this world, but you can choose who hurts you.

I made a mistake letting you hurt me, you shouldn’t have been able to get that privilege.