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He’s just a friend

He’s just a friend you keep telling yourself.

You aren’t bothered when he doesn’t immediately respond to your messages, you aren’t bothered when he compliments someone else over you, you aren’t bothered by the fact you don’t know where he is or what he’s doing.

He’s just a friend, so why would you be bothered?

Because he’s your friend your stomach doesn’t flip when he messages you, you’re used to seeing his name on your phone, you message each other every day out of routine, not because your worlds would fall apart without each other.

You two being friends means you don’t get jealous when he’s talking to you about the new girl he’s seeing, you don’t care. As his friend you care about when it’s going wrong with someone who loves him, you don’t want him to get hurt because you’d do anything for him … but that’s how everyone feels about all their friends right? You’d go to the ends of the earth for them and back again, if it meant they wouldn’t have to get hurt by someone.

As his friend, you know where you stand. There are no crossed boundaries or blurred lines. You stand on one side and he firmly stands on the other. Everything is just easy and uncomplicated like that.

Because you’re friends, you know he loves you and you know that anyone you date will see that too but remain undeterred, it won’t bother them because they’ll see that your friendship is straight forward.

The two of you being so close means that you can run to him when the other guys you trust hurt you. You know that when he wraps his arms around you and holds you that there’s nothing in it, because the two of you are just friends.

You don’t wish that he was the one you’d been with in the first place, because you know that he would never hurt you the way some of the others have done, because you’d never cross a line like that. Complicating things is messy and no one likes messy.

Except …..

None of that is true.

And trust me, no one will get it.

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Closer to 30

Officially turning an age that means I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20 seems even more significant that turning 21.

It’s as if all of a sudden, your decisions should start becoming sensible … as if the steps you take from here on in are actually going to have an impact.

21 to 25 is like a trial, a sneak peak into adulthood. Because although you’re working and paying a few bills, no one expects you to know what you’re doing and have your shit together.

But when you tell someone you’re 26, they start asking about your career and where you live and who you live with, it’s as if all of a sudden conversations become 10x more invasive because everyone expects you to have locked down what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with ….

I hate to break it to people fresh out of university ready to start their “adult life” but you will now just start to look for adultier adult in situations where you forget that you are in fact an adult yourself.

Most of us are still here making exactly the same decisions that we did when we were at uni or in our teens, constantly seeking attention from the opposite sex, texting our ex’s, getting drunk more than once a week, ending up in our overdrafts … the only difference now is that our hangovers last three days instead of three hours.

Getting older isn’t as exciting as I thought it would be, I can remember thinking in my teens that 25 was OLD, can we all just laugh at that together? Now I’m here just pretending to know what I’m doing.

But you know what, once you figure out that everyone is out here doing the best we can to not die of alcohol poisoning or undercooked food, you’ll feel better about your life. Everyone is at different stages and doing different things, especially in your 20’s. Some of my friends and married with kids and some of them are traveling the world, either of which is totally fine.

We’re all on our own journey and we shouldn’t be comparing it to other people’s.

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You’ll get pushed away

There’s something built into me, almost like a reflex, something I can’t control. I’ll push you away. when you try and get too close I will automatically push you away, it’s just what I do.

When you think you’ve got me figured out, I’ll do something weird and it will be because I don’t want you to know me.

Your “I know what you’re really like” messages stir something up inside me that make me want to change my name and move to a different country, because I don’t want you to know what I’m really like. I actually don’t think anyone deserves to know.

So this is me pre warning you, the closer you get to me, the harder I’ll push back on you. The more intense my mood swings will be. The closer you try to get to me, the less I’ll want you.

I don’t want you to “know the real me” because the real me is turbulent, I’m constantly looking for something better and ultimately, I’ll want to replace you and once you find that out, you should want to walk away.

I get easily bored of people who act as if they know me. You don’t. I’ll carefully choose small pieces of information to divulge to you so you feel like I’m opening up, but I’m not. I’m just giving you enough to make you want to stick around for the amount of time I actually want to keep you.

Just when you feel like you’ve got me sussed, I’ll push you away. Just like I do with all the others and I’m not even sorry.

So come prepared and make sure you’re wearing adequate padding for when you hit the floor after I’ve given you a shove.

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The ‘ick’

Now I’ve got the ‘ick’ it isn’t going to go away.

I suddenly realised about 4 minutes into having sex with you that I really wasn’t into it, I felt like I’d made a mistake and I hadn’t felt like that before, at least not with you anyway.

You kissed me and I felt absolutely nothing, for once I didn’t want to rip your clothes off, normally I’d be dying to feel your body on me as soon as you touched me. But it was different this time.

But I done it anyway … I acted as if you kissing my neck and pulling my hair was turning me on, but i wasn’t sure it was and yet I still let it carry on, probably because I wanted to find out where my head was at.

I think I realised as soon as you kissed me that I didn’t like the way you tasted anymore, I didn’t want to run my nails across your back and through your hair. I realised I didn’t want you, I wanted him.

I this what using someone feels like? If it is, then it’s awful. How guys can do it with no second thought whatsoever I really don’t know.

Right then and there you were literally just a body to me, for that brief 5 minutes I didn’t even think of you as someone I’d known for years, I was looking at you as if I’d never have to see you again and that isn’t how I want to see my best friend.

Our movements were awkward and disjointed, I wonder if you felt what I felt. Is that why it was so bad? The connection we normally had just seemed to have disappeared.

Maybe you knew I wasn’t responding the way that I normally do.

Maybe it’s because a week ago you had me convincing your girlfriend you’re not cheating on her and now here we are again naked in your bed, but it’s not cheating right? No of course it isn’t.

Well you know what, now I’ve been put off there won’t be another time. Maybe now I feel like you’ve lost the respect you had for me this isn’t what I want.

Once us women get the ‘ick’ it doesn’t go away. It’s something that happens suddenly and sometimes for no reason at all, but once our head switches into ‘ick’ mode there’s no saving that (sorry guys)

Someone who we’ve been craving for weeks can suddenly seem like the most off putting outcome and we can’t do anything to change it.

The sexual chemistry has gone … but I’m talking like 1000 miles down the road kind of gone.

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Narcissistic Millennials

It seems like we all just pass the time by finding someone to waste our time on these days.

We’ll scroll through Hinge or Bumble or any one of the many dating apps we have available to us and find that one person who’s name will fill our phones for the next few weeks or months and then just as modern dating has taught us is acceptable, it fades out and we take on our “thank you, next” approach.

I don’t even think we bother taking the time to process the impact each of these fleeting people have had on our lives for a little while …. but we don’t need to, there are thousands more just like them at the tap of our finger.

Us people in our 20’s and 30’s seem to be happy when we have someone to go back and talk to when we’re bored, we’re like creatures of habit. Having constant attention off of one person makes us feel good and wanted, but we’re not phased if the source of that constant attention keeps changing, as long as we have someone making our phones go off like we’re wanted. It’s when our phones go quite that we realise we’re bothered ….

Having the ability to speak to as many single (and some not) people as we want to makes us feel good. Like we have a lot of power by being able to pick and choose who we speak to based on not knowing them at all, but maybe this whole practice is just turning us all into narcissists?

We’ve been give the ability to decide within a matter of seconds whether someone is worthy of us having a conversation with them purely based on the way they look and if that isn’t narcissistic then I don’t know what is!

If no one has slid into our dm’s following our recent selfie, we get offended, but for the people who do slide into our dm’s … well we ignore them obviously. Why would someone try and contact us just based on our “fire” selfie? How rude, they don’t know us like that.

Seriously … what is wrong with us all. It seems like no one can do anything right when it comes to trying to speak to the person they like the look of. We laugh at people for putting themselves out there and “trying” but at least they haven’t been sucked into this narcissistic lifestyle where no one is good enough.

If online dating has taught us all anything … it’s how to have egos bigger than our hearts. It hasn’t taught us any valuable lessons about love.

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Will Chemistry Fade?

Most of us, if we’ve been lucky enough, have had that one person in our lives …. the person that makes us feel like our skins on fire when they touch us (in a good way, not in a … I’m going to hell kind of way)

It’s that instant spark they ignite in us even when we wish they wouldn’t. But is that kind of chemistry something that can disappear?

Sexual chemistry isn’t something that’s just in our heads though, it’s backed up by science too! The scientific reasons behind being almost physically obsessed by someone aren’t as weird as you may think … Pheromones are one of the top factors behind sexual chemistry (ok, maybe it’s a bit weird). So potentially our sexual desires are being led by our noses?

In a way yes, but fortunately this is something our body judges on autopilot …. if we think someone smells good, then we most likely have sexual chemistry with them that’s beyond our control.

And this has really bought to my attention some memories that have stuck in my mind from when I was with the person that I had the most addictive chemistry with, that kind of confirms the idea of pheromones.

I remember when I used to wake up in the mornings next to him, I’d roll over and breath in the smell of his neck and kiss him gently. I guess science backs this up, but I always thought he smelt amazing, I’d want to keep my face buried in his neck all day and I always made sure I told him how incredible I thought he smelt.

I remember kissing him being addictive (something not backed up by science). Almost toxic, like poison seeping into my veins and I was willingly letting it. His touch would feel like it was searing into my skin. I know it’s deadly but I’d risk it anyway and I’d take that risk any time it was offered to me. Because even now I think it would be too hard to ignore.

I can’t help but wonder if that type of chemistry with someone will ever fade. Even if you haven’t seen that person for a few hours or a few years, maybe they’ll still have the ability to stir something up inside you that will make you want to rip their clothes off.

I’ve always thought having undeniable chemistry with someone has the potential to be quite a turbulent situation and that’s speaking from experience. Being so consumed by the chemistry you have with another person, definitely has the ability to cloud your judgement in any situation you find yourself in with them.

But if I saw him tomorrow, walking down the street. I wouldn’t want to feel any other way than as obsessed as I was all those years ago. Having someone ignite that kind of response in you is rare and you try and hold on to it so tight that most of the time that spark you have, just ends up burning you.

You find yourself so taken by them you want to spend every second you possibly can with them and only them. You don’t want to share them with anyone else around you. That’s when this becomes a problem …..

But what if you don’t care? Or what if you don’t care enough to pay attention?

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The Almost’s

The hardest thing about loving ourselves is that we’re letting so many people have the power to give us reasons not to.

So many times we’ve given other people the ability to make us feel not quite good enough and we’ve ultimately led to our own downfall, even if we try blaming others.

But what if we took that control back? What if suddenly the power we thought other people had to make us feel wanted and valued actually belonged with us, we wouldn’t lose sleep over how we were impacting others because all we would be focusing on is how we’re impacting our own lives.

We all still seem to be healing from an almost relationship, a friend with benefits, a three night stand, or a summer fling. We keep searching for closure and looking for answers from the person that broke our hearts, when really we gave it to them before they even deserved it. A lot of us are struggling to move on from an old love like we were dumped, even though we were never given the label of boyfriend or girlfriend.

So what are we actually struggling to move on from? Because an almost relationship isn’t worth getting heart broken over and it definitely isn’t worth losing your sense of calm.

A very wise person in my life said something to me recently which has resonated:

It’s bad enough that people we spend years with have an impact on our lives, but letting somebody I’ve known for less time then I’ve owned a toothbrush affect me, that’s not ok

How many of us have been on dates that result in that person choosing not to reply to your messages, but will stalk your social media? All of a sudden it seems to affect your head way more than it should do, why has someone who’s relatively a stranger suddenly got the ability to control your state of mind? Let’s be honest, a month from now you probably won’t even remember their name anyway.

Or even that person you’ve been “dating” for a month or so, it was never official so you shouldn’t really have invested that much of your mental energy into it. But yet here you are wondering if you should message them, hoping they’re bothered by that picture you uploaded with another guy etc etc …. ultimately the only person who’s thinking about it loads, is you.

We spend hours deciphering texts, ranting to friends and over thinking message responses over someone who just doesn’t care. They’ve never introduced you to their grandparents or bothered to learn when your birthday is or in some cases even bothered to make plans with you more than once. So what’s the big deal?

If you take a second to sit back and think about it, it seems as though we’ve stopped entering serious relationships, but we haven’t stopped getting our hearts broken, or at the absolute minimum, we haven’t stopped letting it having a serious affect on the way we think about ourselves. It seems a shame that we’re letting others around us control our energy that much.

And on that note, I think we all need to try and focus more on our own actions and how they impact our moods rather than focusing on how other people are making us feel. Especially people who ultimately end up playing a very unimportant role in the story of our lives, people who are fleeting and unimportant, people who ten years from now when you recall the most memorable and important events of your life ….. won’t even make the top 100 things to reminisce about.