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What Makes Them Memorable

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We all have people continuously walking in and out of our lives, some stay for longer than others and some we create memories with that will stay with us for a life time.

But this isn’t a soppy reminiscent kind of post, this is more of a look back on certain events shared between two people that makes them stand out above all the others who you fleetingly give your attention to.

This post is going to require some feedback, so I’ll wait for you to tell me what you think about this, I know you get an ego boost every time I write about you and besides, you requested a list a couple of months back and while I hate to disappoint, I love a delayed reaction.

Three years worth of memories folded down into one blog post, it’s not necessarily only good things we remember about people, sometimes their biggest flaws and wort traits are what makes them stand out in our minds so much.

I’ll always remember the time we sat down for dinner with my family, you showed up late and then preceded to brag for about 10 minutes about how you’d been hit on at the dentists earlier that day and how lucky I should feel that I’m the one that gets to have you on a daily basis. You were simply wrapping the pedestal I’d put you on in gold. My bad.

I remember how much you liked when I had my nails painted red, in fact you liked it so much, that when I didn’t have them painted in your favourite colour and you saw someone else who did, you’d make subtle digs at how nice their nails looked, these other women who you made we so wary of, as if they all wanted to rip your clothes off and fuck you as soon as my back was turned and you’d avoid commenting on the fact that I’d made an effort for you, to make sure I looked the best I could for us to spend time with your friends, the friends who hated me. My nails were pink, but that didn’t deserve your compliments.

I look at you now and I wonder, if you hadn’t given me such a confidence knock, maybe I’d be more settled.

Maybe this wasn’t quite the list of things you expected, but I never expected you to turn into everything you promised you wouldn’t.

I found out this year that your best mate is a better kisser than you by the way, he seems to have his shit together more than you do as well, he has a better car, his own place and owns his responsibility. While you’re out there shagging everything that moves (good to know nothings changed) and pretending like you’re half functional.

We made out in his car and I couldn’t help but think of you, that’s probably messed up. I didn’t sleep with him because I knew me and you we’re going to get caught up again and we did.

Those three hours we’re exactly how I remember and I don’t think I need to clarify what I mean by that.

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A Backwards Step Isn’t Always Bad

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Sometimes, we have to take a backwards step to realise just how far we’ve come and recently (annoyingly) that’s what I’ve done. It’s made me realise that something thats been left in my past, isn’t what I want in my future and if figuring that out while staring it straight in the face isn’t growth, then I don’t know what is.

Growing as a person establishes itself in many different ways and normally after a particularly difficult break up, we push ourselves to move on and grow at a faster pace than we’re necessarily ready for. When we’re so focused on pushing ourselves forward, we can become distracted from what we were moving on from in the first place, but when we go back to the root of the problem … sometimes it can really show us that the ‘convincing’ ourselves we no longer want it wasn’t actually necessary at all. When we’re face to face with our past, we can really see that it just isn’t for us anymore, without any fake convincing at all.

If you look back on the version of yourself from five years or so ago, you realise that back then you thought you were so established as a human being, that your views and thoughts on things were set in stone and that was it. Shall we all laugh at that together?

I can say with the utmost certainty, that what I wanted at the age of 21, would most definitely not tick my boxes now. Sometimes we can’t move on from the sensation of familiarity and I’ve realised now that for the last few years, that’s whats been happening to me. I got caught up in the idea that all I ever wanted from life had walked away from me and I would never find anything to compare to what I used to have, but god was I wrong!

The fact that I decided to drive myself all the way back to what I thought was square one of a situation, was honestly the best thing I could have ever done . It helped me to realise how far I’ve come and how much I’ve grown but above all else, it really showed me how much the things I want from life have changed.

My square one didn’t make me feel how I remembered, in fact, it made me think more of my future than my past, I was concerned that going back would resurface all the feelings I had years ago, but actually it didn’t, instead it made me open up more to the person I’ve been keeping at arms length, because I didn’t think they could compare to what I used to have and ultimately what I thought I wanted.

However, what I thought I wanted, was wrong. I partly craved familiarity, to be close to someone who at one time, was everything I ever wanted. But being close to them three years on, didn’t bring back the feeling that I thought it would. It didn’t hurt to leave, in fact, when I walked away I felt like I could finally breathe. It had given me closure, something that I’d been searching for in others for years.

It took this action, to finally realise I was better off where I am right now than where I was when was 21, when I thought I’d found everything I ever wanted. I no longer want the same things and to be honest, I’m bloody relieved. It was also a great feeling knowing how much I’d changed but my past had remained exactly the same.

It made me realise that I’ve let go and that I don’t need to keep making comparisons between something I had and no longer want and something I want but haven’t given myself the opportunity to fully have yet.

As cryptic as that sounds, ultimately, going back to square one was the best thing I could have done for myself.

So after going against the advice of all my friends, who told me going backwards was the biggest mistake I could ever make, I can say that although my friends are normally right, in this case my stubbornness to go after what I want, paid off.

Thank you square one, for being everything I no longer want.

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Ex’s and … Oh’s

 

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An oh … you know that sound you make at the front of the mouth and you can use it to show a wide range of emotions, like surprise, shock, regret, disappointment, resounding happiness at the outcome of a situation … I believe that’s a good enough list to show what I mean by a rage of emotions.

But Ex’s and Oh’s … now that really can be a WIDE rage of emotions, like, ‘oh, you mean he didn’t get hit by a car like I dreamed last night, thats a shame’ or ‘oh, holy s!?t we can actually be friends, without wanting to murder each other, or sleep with each other .. WIN’

Today I am writing about the second kind of ‘oh’ because I think theres only so much I can write about wanting some of my ex’s to get hit by a car *insert serious side eye face here for dramatic effect* giphy-3

So picture this, childhood sweethearts, never thought anything would tear them apart because they were all they ever needed and thats all that mattered! … Cue university annnnd growing up annnnd realising that if you were with the same person from the age of 15 to forever that you would probably end up murdering them by the time you were in your 30’s and suddenly the childhood sweethearts were no more. Add in a few drunken post break up shags and almost getting back together and the ‘oh’s’ are starting to sound more like awkward drawn out sudden realisation kind of sounds, you know the ones I mean right? Like the kind of ‘oh’ you say when you’ve caught on to a joke way later than you should have.

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Now we skip five years down the line and the childhood sweethearts actually enjoy talking to each other *shocked gasp sounds made here* but not in like a ‘we are going to get back together and it will be the most romantic story ever’ kind of way, more like a I’m genunily interested in what you are doing with your time these days type of vibe. So this ex’s oh … is more like a surprised kind of ‘oh’ as in … ‘oh, I didn’t realise we could ever genuinely be friends with each other, this is a nice turn of events’

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So this leads me to a question, surely all ex’s and their oh’s are different?

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If I Ever Saw You Again

 

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Getting over you has not been easy. The process of moving on has consisted of countless sleepless nights lying up at night wondering what went wrong. The journey of letting go has left me late for work in the morning while I snooze my alarm time and time again in hopes that the next time I wake up, you will no longer be the first thing on my mind.

However, the easiest part about getting over you has been due to not having to see you. No accidental run ins with you have played a huge role in my healing process. Not having to try and process the countless things I would say to you has made such a difference.

If I saw you again I would tell you how badly you broke me. I would let you know how much time of my life you took away from me while I tried to put the pieces back together that you tore apart.

If I saw you again I would tell you about the hours I spent crying in my car and on my bathroom floor. I would let you know the anger I have for you being able to break me down so badly.

If I saw you again I would tell you how badly you let me down. I didn’t know it, but you that you were my best friend and so much more than just the person I was dating. You were everything to me. I saw my life with you. I believed you were my soul mate. I genuinely didn’t think I’d ever have to figure out how to tackle life without you.

If I saw you again I would tell you how much you betrayed me. I would let you know how much it killed me to be lied to and manipulated by the person that I brought down all of my walls for. I trusted you. I believed in you. And you destroyed every single bit of it.

If I saw you again I would tell you how much time I spent missing you. I would tell you how many hours I spent evaluating and trying to figure out where I could have possibly went wrong. I would let you know how badly I wanted to believe that this person wasn’t you. There was nothing I wanted more than for you to come running back telling me that all of it was a mistake and that you’d never leave again.

If I saw you again I would tell you I don’t hold those feelings inside of me anymore. I would tell you I’ve realised how much better I am without you. I would let you know that I don’t carry the burdens you left me with. I would tell you that I am a better me, without you.

If I saw you again I would tell you I am happy. I am happy on my own. I am happy being completely independent, without you. I am happy with who I am. I am happy with who I have become. I am completely happy in knowing that I will never again have to settle for someone who doesn’t know my worth.

If I saw you again I would tell you I am free. I am free of all of the pain you caused me. I am free from trying to make you love me the way I now know that I deserve to be loved. I am free from every bit of baggage and toxicity that you brought into my life.

If I saw you again I would tell you that I am better off without you.