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Try Not To Need Them

 

 

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Once you feel like you need them you’ve already lost a little part of you.

Remember that confident independent young woman who used to stare back at you in the mirror, the one who would put red lipstick on before a night out and didn’t have to fake a brave face? You would head out, ready to pull the strings of the numerous men you had dangling from your fingertips, the ones who would do anything for you in the blink of an eye.

But now it’s different, because as soon as you felt like you needed someone other than yourself. You lost that part of you that felt indestructible.

He spent years making you feel like you could get anything you ever wanted from him, he wanted to be your everything and you were reluctant because you had your own life and you very much had your shit together. You didn’t want to need him the way he wanted you to.

But without you even realising, suddenly it happened, you didn’t want to be around anyone other than him. All of a sudden he had turned into your lover, your best friend, your family and everything in between. You pushed everyone else away because you believed him when he said he was going to be your whole world.

But being the whole world is a heavy job and he didn’t realise how much pressure that would put on him, so maybe he didn’t mean it, maybe getting you to push everyone away except him wasn’t intentional. Maybe when he walked away and left you with nothing, he didn’t mean it.

Needing him in the way you did, meant that when he finally walked away from everything he had promised you, you didn’t even know who you were anymore. You would look in the mirror and not even recognise yourself  because he wasn’t there and without him, what were you? Having someone there who has given you everything, means that when they decide to walk away they leave you with nothing.

After an experience like that, it’s no wonder you find it so hard to trust people. It’s no wonder you have to fake that brave face when it comes to love and trust.

When someone walks into your life when you least expect it and promises you that they’ll never leave because they are there to be your everything, why wouldn’t you believe them? When it takes them what seems like forever to win you round and make you feel like theres no one else in the world who can give you what they do, why would you even waste a second thinking they could be lying?

Having someone walk out on you after promising you all that, leaves you feeling empty and constantly questioning what you did wrong. How did you push away the person who wanted to be everything for you?

But the reality is, it was never your fault. They were always going to leave once you needed them in the way they wanted you to, because they never stopped to consider the pressure that’s created by someone relying on one person for every ounce of happiness they need in life. Convincing someone that they don’t need a life outside of the relationship you’ve created is a dangerous game, but some people enjoy playing with fire.

They wouldn’t have considered how reliant on them you would become once you believed you couldn’t be happy unless you were experiencing everything with them. Being someone’s everything seems ideal, until you actually are.

Two people wanting to be wanted by each other so much at different times only results in confusion and undeniable pressure. A strain that no one can withstand.

So the two of you break.

But you break more because you’re the one that’s lost everything. Who are you now without him? And that’s the problem …. you don’t even know who you are by yourself anymore. So to you, it feels more than just a break up, it feels like your whole life has shattered and disappeared.

You’ll spend years trying to figure out how to be you again once they leave, but you’ll never go back to who you were before. Because that version of you was too quick to believe that people stay forever.

You never stopped to consider the person you pictured yourself marrying would leave and destroy everything behind them that you built together.

He promised he was never going anywhere, even when you argued, he said he was never going to leave. Why would he, when he told you over and over again that the only person you’ll ever need is him. Even when you’re mad at your family, even when your friends let you down, he would be there.

And although the whole experience of needing someone has left you with scars, its taught you an invaluable lesson: love is about being two separate people. Love doesn’t mean turning into one person that’s a morphed version of the two of you. The more you need them, the less you are of yourself and thats who they fell in love with in the first place, they never wanted a mirror image of themselves to love. They want you.

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You Deserve Better (This Was Not Written By James Arthur)

He’s treating you like an option and you deserve better than that. You know it, I know it and let’s be honest, he probably does too.

But you’re letting him get away with treating you like a disposable nappy, you are not disposable and you are most definitely not a nappy … the only one full of shit around here is him. You think you’re done and then you’ll get a message from him saying he misses you, or that his current girlfriend is ok but she’ll never be you.

On that part, he’s right, she never will be you … you’re a whole different person to her, made up of totally different atoms, but that doesn’t mean that you’re better than she is (sorry). If you were everything he wanted, he would be with you. But he isn’t is he? The only time he’s really ‘present’ for you is when he wants to have sex with you.

You guys might have history, but it’s just that, it’s history. And do you want to know what the definition of history is?

History: the study of past events, particularly in human affairs. Or in our personal lives, we can view it as the whole series of past events connected with a particular person or thing.

Your history is your past and it’s what makes you, well …. you. But your history has no right to define your future. You do not need to keep letting your past come back and bite you in the arse, or in this case grab it. We learn wonderful things from our past experiences, they shape us into wiser people, even when those experiences are difficult and maybe suck. Ultimately you’ll always grow from what you’ve been through so try and embrace it.

So, to my beautiful friends who find themselves reading this and thinking ‘oh god she’s writing about me’ maybe I am, but only because I want you to know that everyone who is currently in your life brining positive elements to you, love you in a way that he never will do.

Don’t text him back just because you feel lonely and he gives you a sense of familiarity, don’t get upset when you see pictures of him with the girl who has taken your space … you didn’t want it remember? If anything, you’re looking at the girl you gave your space to because you outgrew it. You outgrew him and you’ll continue to do so, through the things that you experience that have nothing to do with the version of yourself you were when you guys were together.

Getting over someone is hard, but it gets easier. I’ll be honest, years down the line you may suddenly be struck by some painful memories of being with that person and normally this happens when you least expect it, when you’re with someone else, happily getting on with your own life. But … you’re no longer thinking about them every day, you’re no longer wishing you were with them and you sure as hell don’t wish you were still together. The person they were when you first fell in love is no longer there, they’ve changed as well and trust me, you don’t want that person. The one who no longer adores you and treats you with respect. Memories can be bitter sweet but everyone has them!

So here’s a tip I’ve used repeatedly when trying to get over someone who I never thought I would:

1.Think of 5 negative situations you were in with them at some point during your relationship, this should be situations where they’ve made you feel less yourself, or angry or hurt.

2.Think about the whole event that made you feel like that and replay it in your head.

3.Think of each of those five situations three times over and again. Any time you feel yourself missing them, try this!

It will gradually reprogram your brain slightly and those rose tinted glasses that you were seeing them through will suddenly become much clearer.

You’re welcome!

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My List Of Sorry’s .. Just For You 

Where do I begin ….

  1. I’m sorry I became less of myself, less of the girl you fell in love with.
  2. I’m sorry I didn’t manage to pull myself out of my downward spiral.
  3. I’m sorry I relied on you as my only source of happiness
  4. I’m sorry I drained you, I never meant to make you feel like that.
  5. I’m sorry you felt like you were responsible for making me happy .. I’ve realised it isn’t hard for me to do it myself
  6. I’m sorry I was selfish and I wanted you to myself all the time. That wasn’t fair of me.
  7. I’m sorry I didn’t let you grow as a person, but I already thought you were incredible.
  8. I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured, I never wanted you to feel that making sure you were making me happy was pressure on you.
  9. I’m sorry I ultimatly put myself before you most of the time because I thought you were fine and I wasn’t.
  10. I’m sorry our relationship turned into something I was so reliant on, I should have been able to be rely on myself.
  11. I’m sorry I couldn’t see what I was doing … Until now.
  12. I’m sorry if you felt like I was never happy, I just lost myself for a while.
  13. I’m sorry I forgot to be ambitious, all my focus was on us and I should have made more time for me so you could have had more time for you.
  14. I’m sorry I briefly lost sight of what truly mattered, us being happy together, but as two separate people.
  15. I’m sorry I was taking so much of your energy when you needed it yourself, I know it must have been exhausting.
  16. I’m sorry if you felt suffocated, I wanted you to feel like you can do what you wanted and still have me, but that isn’t something I could do.
  17. I’m sorry you lost yourself a little bit too because of me.
  18. I’m sorry I couldn’t have figured this out earlier and I had to have you push me away so I had time to think.
  19. I’m sorry I managed to become someone I never intended to be and I didn’t let myself take time to realise what was happening.
  20. But most of all, I’m sorry I’m still in love with you, but I’ll never be able to stop that.

 

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Your Relationship Should Be 60/60 Not 50/50

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Giving something 110 percent is a common expression, meaning your absolute maximum effort. It means going beyond 100 percent of your effort and giving that extra 10 percent.

When it comes to relationships, maximum effort is usually defined as the relationship being 50/50. This just means both people in the relationship are contributing equally to the level they feel like is ok.

Just because you’re contributing equally doesn’t mean it’s always enough though. Relationships, just like anything else important in life, require maximum effort. Many times, you just need to give that extra 10 percent. I believe successful relationships should be a 60/60 split effort. Relationships thrive when both people contribute as much as they can and go slightly above the levels of effort they’re used to.

Unbalanced relationships are hard and will rarely last. They usually stem from one person caring about the relationship more than the other. Often, we let things like love or infatuation cloud our vision and lead us to believe that it’s okay to carry the majority of the weight in the relationship when it’s not.

A healthy relationship shouldn’t be a one-way street. When two people care about each other, they are not burdened by being aware of carrying their own equal amount of weight. They understand things will not always be balanced perfectly, since some people’s best effort can be greater than others.

The 60/60 rule doesn’t necessarily mean the contributions are perfectly equal; it just means each person is giving it his or her all, plus that extra 10 percent.

A healthy relationship is a support system. For a support system to work, it needs to be a two-way street, hence the 60/60 rule. Both partners should establish themselves as supportive figures in each other’s lives. You should do your best to understand and support your partner’s dreams. Create dreams with your partner, in fact!

Sometimes, we’re able to be empathetic and see the world through our partners’ eyes, and we become frustrated when our partners see things differently. A support system requires both partners to do their best to reciprocate the support they receive from one another.

Not only is it important to support your partner’s dreams, but you should also push him or her to achieve accomplishments things they may not have been able to do on their own. You shouldn’t be with someone who just “makes you want to be a better person,” you should be with someone who empowers you to become that better person, who gives you the determination to push towards your goals because your ambitions are also his/her ambitions

When you’re in a relationship in which both you and your partner give the extra 10 percent, you’ll feel as though you can accomplish anything with his or her help, and he or she will feel the same way.

Hopefully when you and your partner come together, you feed off each other’s efforts and achieve much more together than you each would be able to achieve individually, especially by giving that extra 10%

Relationships don’t have to hold you back; if anything, they can help you move forward. Your partner’s support can be the reason for something great in your life and vice versa. When in a relationship, be sure to give it your all and don’t settle for anything less than your partner’s all either.

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When I Say I Miss You

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When I say I miss you it isn’t just one of those general I miss you feelings. Like I miss your presence, or just being with you. It definitely isn’t that generalised, when I say I miss you I literally miss everything about you.

I miss your smell and I don’t mean the smell of your cologne, I mean the smell you have when you wake up, that is your smell and how I would love to have my face buried into your neck right now.
I miss your laugh, your charmingly cheeky laugh that makes me smile so much, the sound of of it is always there at the back of my mind if I need something to make me smile, if I could I would make you laugh every minute of every day.
When I say I miss you, I’m talking about the way you hold my hand, like it’s a way of maintaining contact, a way of speaking without words you hold my hand as if it’s a way of telling me you want me.
I miss the way you look at me, when I’m not doing much but you’re looking at me as if I’m the most amazing most beautiful thing in the whole world, I miss the butterfly’s you give me when you stare at me. I hope you look at me like that every day for the rest of my life because you can, because I’m yours.
When I say I miss you, it’s never just a general passing comment, I genuinely miss you with all my heart, I miss everything that has made me fall in love with you and I miss everything that makes you who you are.

I love the way I miss you.

My List Especially For You

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I was supposed to tell you a list of things you’re good at, or things that I like you doing. But I’m a bit of a coward, I can’t tell you. So instead I’ve written this, it isn’t really a list as such, it’s more a long description of why I’m in love with you and I suppose some of these things are also the reasons for me falling in love with you, so here it goes …..

I love how I can tell what mood you’re in by the way you kiss me but not only that, the way you kiss me makes me feel like the most loved person in the world, if I could kiss you all day I would. And trust me I mean that, I find it hard to look at you and not kiss you. The way you hug me so closely when we’re in bed makes me feel like you never want to let me go, I feel safe with your arms around me. You give me butterfly’s when you look at me for too long and I find it amazing that you still give me that crazy nervous feeling, we have been together long enough now for those butterfly’s to have gone away, after all, neither of us are 16 getting flummoxed by our first loves. But that chemistry I can feel between us when we look at each other is such an amazing feeling and I hope it never goes away.
The fact that you know to go straight for my neck when you want to turn me on shows how important it was for you to find out what I like quickly.
I love when you tell me I’m beautiful, because you’re the only person I’ve ever believed who has said that to me.
I love the cheeky look you give me when you want me to know how badly you want to rip my clothes off. I’m sure you don’t know the one I’m talking about, but the way you slightly raise one of your eyebrows and give me a one sided smile .. That’s the look.
Waking up with you though, that may have to be one of my favourite things.

You always reassure me and make sure I’m not doing things to only please other people, which means a lot to me.
I have a real problem staying mad at you, as soon as I look at you I smile. It’s very annoying actually, I can try my absolute hardest to be serious with you but I can’t be. You just make me smile too much.
When I don’t want to do something it’s very easy for you to change my mind and you know it, the way you look at me when you ask me to do something just for you, I’ll fall for it every time and quite happily as well.

I always find myself falling for all the little cheeky things you do, I haven’t yet decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
All those worries you have that I’ll suddenly change my mind about you, Im hoping that when I eventually let you read this it will help to convince you that I won’t be going anywhere.
And I am sorry that I can’t be as open as you want me to be, I’m trying to fix that for you I promise but I get scared you’ll go away. That I’ll pour my heart out to you and then you’ll disappear.
I just don’t want you to break my heart.